Holiday Surprises
by kellegirl
Summary: Sephiroth never has much fun on the holidays because of Zack's pranks, but now Cloud is in the picture, maybe it will be more bearable. Zack, Cloud, Sephiroth. COMPLETE
1. Easter

_Me: I have to explain this before you read it. If I don't you will think there is something seriously wrong with me._

_Cautai: There is something seriously wrong with you._

_Me: Yeah, but I like to pretend to have a normal psyche._

_Mims: You fail miserably at that attempt._

_Me: Shut up. So this is something that I, the non-Christian, came up with for Easter. It started out as just Cloud and Sephiroth, but when I was thinking about it I realized that it was sooo not something that Cloud would do. Then it turned into Zack and Sephiroth, but I felt bad for leaving Cloud out. So finally it became Zack, Cloud, and Sephiroth. And as I was at a hockey game all day so I had a lot of time to think about this one. The Gophers might have lost, but man oh man did I win._

_Mims: That was perverted even by my standards._

_Me: Shut up._

_Disclaimer:__ If I say I own this Sephiroth will stab me._

_Warning:__ Cloud in a bunny costume with Zack and Sephiroth present, need I say more? Well yes, actually I do. Yaoi! But no sex, sorry. No like, no read._

_Pairing:__ Sephiroth x Zack x Cloud._

_Not betaed in order to get it out in time so I can get it on Easter._

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Sephiroth stalked down the hallway, people veering out of his way after one look at his face. People were usually quick to avoid him on any day, but today they fled the general. It just had to be Easter, Sephiroth's least favorite holiday. Nothing particularly bad had happened on Easter in the past to cause the silver haired man to have such a dislike of the holiday, well, nothing too bad. Hojo never bothered him anyway. What did happen was Zack. Normally Sephiroth was all too happy to have the raven haired man around, but when a holiday rolled around his second in command became unbearable. At least with other holidays Sephiroth usually ended up with presents, but all he ever got on Easter was a headache. Last year Zack had decorated his office in pastels, hidden nearly one hundred hard boiled eggs in Sephiroth's office and courters, and released a dozen white rabbits and fuzzy yellow chicks into the mess hall. There were three things that were definitely wrong with Zack's actions in Sephiroth's mind. First, he was supposed to be the scary as fuck general of Shinra, not the pastel ooh la la general. Second, despite his famous scouting skills Sephiroth did not know there were still some eggs hidden in his office and courters and when they were left alone they rotted and smelled horrible. Third, someone had to catch those rabbits and chicks without killing them and no SOLDIER had that kind of gentleness left in them after going through training and being pumped full of mako. It had been a nightmare to explain to the president why there were dead animals in the mess hall that weren't part of 

the menu. Sephiroth scowled at the memory and decided that something horrible had happened in the past to make Easter so bad.

Coming to his office door, Sephiroth paused. Glancing over at his assistant the silver haired man couldn't miss the silent fit of laughter the chestnut haired woman was currently engaged in. Leah was one of the few people on the planet that wasn't afraid of Sephiroth, probably because she had seen him in real life and had blackmail material. She actually had a tape of him singing karaoke the one time that Zack had convinced Sephiroth to go out drinking. So when Leah was laughing and trying to hide it from Sephiroth it couldn't only mean one thing, Zack had already attacked.

"What did he do?" Sephiroth sighed as he turned to fully face the petite woman.

"You honestly think I'm going to tell you," Leah giggled, "That is just so precious."

"I should give you to the Turks," the general shook his head slightly.

"You wouldn't," Leah just waved her hand slightly, "Because I'd give them that tape and you'd have Tseng on you for the rest of your natural life. You know, I think he fancies you."

"Great, just what I need," Sephiroth turned away from the brunet to stare at his door, "I really don't want to go in there now."

"Oh trust me, you do."

Sephiroth threw a venomous glare at his assistant, but it was completely ignored. With a sigh he pushed the door open and walked into what he desperately hoped wasn't his redecorated office. When no light pastel met his eyes Sephiroth stopped to look around. His eyes immediately fell on the two males standing by his desk and he had to choke back a startled laugh. There stood Zack completely normal, his black hair in its usual spikes, uniform in relative order, and no visible new injuries. It was the blond next to him that made Sephiroth want to laugh. The petite blond looked thoroughly embarrassed and mortified as well as slightly annoyed. It seemed Zack had taken the liberty of dressing him that morning, because Sephiroth knew for a fact that Cloud did not usually dress in a rabbit outfit. He even had a set of rabbit ears attached to his head.

"Don't," Cloud muttered, his cheeks turning a brilliant shade of red.

"I wasn't going to say anything," Sephiroth was extremely grateful for his self control at that moment, "Now, what is going on here Zack?"

"Why do you look at me right away?" Zack put a hand to his chest as a mock pained look flashed across his face only to be replaced with his usual good natured grin seconds later.

"Because it's always your fault," Cloud muttered.

"Spiky, how could you?"

"He is intelligent Zack," Sephiroth sighed, "Though how you managed to get him dressed in this atrocity is beyond me."

"Fine," Zack sighed, "It was me."

"And?" Sephiroth raised an eyebrow at the raven haired man.

"And what?" violet eyes stared at the silver haired man in confusion.

"What is going on here?" Sephiroth brought one hand to his forehead in frustration.

"Oh right! So here's the deal," Zack said very matter of factly, "I've hidden an Easter egg somewhere in this room and you have to find it."

"And why is Cloud in a bunny costume?"

"Because Zack's an ass," the blond said.

"Ouch, Spiky that hurt," Zack frowned at the small blond.

"But he would be correct," Sephiroth smiled good naturedly.

"What is this?" Zack pointed between the two other males in the room, "Some kind of unholy union against me?"

"Basically," Cloud shrugged slightly.

"I don't know why I put up with you two," Zack sighed.

"Neither do we," Sephiroth shot back.

"Whatever," Zack smiled suddenly, "You have to find the egg."

"Cloud, where did Zack hide the egg?"

"Don't tell him!" Zack yelled, causing Cloud to jump slightly, "He has to look."

"He hid it in this damn costume," Cloud flushed as he spoke.

Sephiroth stared at Cloud, not completely sure he had heard the teen correctly. Turning his gaze to his second in command, Sephiroth saw that Zack was looking particularly disgruntled and concluded that he had indeed heard Cloud say that the egg was in the costume. Clearing his throat slightly, Sephiroth turned back to the blond. 

"Why are you still wearing that costume?" he asked carefully.

"Dumbass here messed with the zipper," Cloud blushed even more furiously, "I can't get it off."

"Come here," Sephiroth sighed.

Cloud looked into Sephiroth's eyes and smiled slightly. Before he made his way to the general he punched Zack in the arm. "Ow!" Zack exclaimed.

Sephiroth couldn't hold back a smile as the raven haired man started to rub his arm and glare at the blond as Cloud made his way to Sephiroth's side. As soon as the small teen stood in front of him Sephiroth motioned for him to turn. Blushing slightly Cloud complied, turning to that his back was to the silver haired man. Gently Sephiroth pulled on the zipper only to find that it was unmoving. At Zack's slight snicker, Sephiroth gave the garment a more forceful tug. Still it wouldn't budge.

"I'm afraid there is only one way to get that off now," Zack crossed his arms over his chest with a smug grin.

"And what would that be?" Sephiroth raised an eyebrow, more than slightly suspicious.

"Cut it off," Zack's grin broadened considerably.

"Oh really?" Sephiroth smirked slightly.

"You're both perverts," Cloud groaned, his head dropping slightly.

"But you love it," Zack walked up to the small blond and laid a kiss on his forehead.

"Idiot," the teen muttered.

"Right as always," Sephiroth smiled.

"Again with the insults," Zack smiled slightly, "And here I was trying to do something nice for you, bringing you a present and all."

"I'm not an object Zack," Cloud scowled, "You can't just give me to someone."

"Yes I can," Zack grinned broadly, "I have before, you and Seph didn't seem to mind."

"Idiot," Cloud and Sephiroth said in unison.

"Yeah, yeah," Zack waved a hand in dismissal, "I know. So Seph, why don't you open your Easter present?"

"I'm going back to the barracks," Cloud murmured, "I don't care if people see me any more."

Rather than allowing Cloud to follow through with his threat, Sephiroth unsheathed Masamune and cut away the costume in one swift move. Cloud squeaked in surprise, jumping away from the general and out of his clothes. Sephiroth grinned broadly at the sight of the petite blond standing before him, admiring the way his skin shone a brilliant purly white in the indoor lighting. Gently Sephiroth spun Cloud to face him, bursting out laughing at what he saw. Zack had painted an Easter egg on Cloud's stomach that had 'Fuck me hard' written on it. The blond just scowled at the general, not in 

the least bit amused. His face turned bright crimson when he looked down at what had the silver haired man so amused though.

"Zack!" Cloud shipped around to glare at the raven haired man, "You said that it was just an egg!"

"It is just an egg," Zack blinked innocently, "I just decorated it."

"So," Sephiroth smiled as both Cloud and Zack turned to him, "You both were in on this."

"Maybe," Cloud smiled, his sapphire eyes sparkling, "Did our plan make Easter a little more bearably?" 

"I don't know," Seph tapped his chin thoughtfully, "I don't think there has been any distinct change yet."

"You should have heard Zack's original plan," the blond smiled broadly, "It involved puppies and dying your hair pink."

Sephiroth turned his eyes to his second in command and raised an eyebrow. When the raven haired man just blushed and looked away, Sephiroth knew it must have been bad. "Well," he sighed, "I guess I'm going to have to punish you."

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_Me: I love my muses._

_Mims: Damn straight._

_Cautai: I love you too._

_Me: I am actually very pleased with how this turned out, even though there wasn't any sex…yet…So I was thinking of turning this into a series when I have time, that's why it's an M rating. But if no one likes it then I won't bother. I've never actually written a threesome, so that's why it's not in there. I did write the sex scene, but it was just so horrible in my opinion that I couldn't bear the thought of actually posting it. It was a kill bunnies and puppies bad. I'll work on it and maybe post it later…maybe…if I get reviews that ask for more. So review!_


	2. 4 20

Me: It's another holiday

_Me: It's another holiday! Well, not really, but I'm going to write something for 4-20 anyway because Cautai hasn't shut the hell up for the past six hours. _

_Cautai: I can be very persuasive when I want._

_Me: No, I just got sick of "Nicole, Nicole, Nicole, Nicole, Nicoooooooole! Guess what day it is?! Make Cloud high. Are you listening to me?! Nicole! Nicole, Nicole, Nicole, Nicole!"_

_Mims: -giggles madly-_

_Me: Ignore Mims, she is just wildly amused because I kind of forgot how to spell my own name for a minute…I blame the wall._

_Disclaimer:__ If Final Fantasy rights were water I would die from dehydration. If they were oxygen I would suffocate. If they were food I would starve. Am I making myself clear here?_

_Warning:__ High Cloud and Zack with a sober Sephiroth…what?_

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Walking into his apartment Sephiroth stopped dead. He already knew that Cloud and Zack would be there, they had the day off, what he hadn't expected was for the smell of food to great him. Zack never cooked and Cloud had been banned from the kitchen ever since he accidentally set it on fire while trying to make a salad. Sephiroth had yet to figure out how exactly that had happened, hell, Cloud had yet to figure out how that had happened. So when he smelled a home cooked meal, Sephiroth knew something was up. Cautiously making his way into the living room, the silver haired man saw the cause of the smell. Zack was sitting on the floor, a tray of brownies in front of him while Cloud was sprawled over the couch. Violet and sapphire eyes flicked up to the general before both men started giggling insanely. Cloud was laughing the hardest, so much in fact that he fell off the couch and landed on top of Zack. This only caused the pair to burst into another hysterical fit of laughter.

"What is going on here?" Sephiroth did his best to keep his voice stern even though he was rather amused by the sight of his second in command pinned under the blond cadet.

"You look like a giraffe!" Cloud exclaimed.

That made the general stop. "I look like a giraffe?" he repeated.

"No, no!" Zack struggled to push Cloud off of him, "You look like the cookie monster!"

"No! Giraffe!" the blond said, suddenly sober.

"Cookie monster!" Zack retorted.

"He's too tall."

"But he is a monster who won't hurt us."

"True…give me another brownie."

"What is wrong with you two?" Sephiroth knew he was openly gaping at this point, but didn't particularly care.

"We made brownies!" Cloud exclaimed as he took a bite.

"I can see that," the silver haired man said, "But that doesn't answer my question."

"They're speciaaaaaal," Zack smiled up at the general.

"Exactly how special?" Sephiroth raised an eyebrow at the raven haired man.

"The pot kind of special," Cloud said around a mouthful.

"POT!! ARE YOU TWO OUT OF YOUR MINDS?! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN MAKE POT BROWNIES?!" Sephiroth yelled at the pair.

"Stop spazzing man," Zack said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Yeah, don't spazz," Cloud giggled, "Spazz, spaaaaazzzzzzz, sp-a-zz, spazzy mic spazz spazz. Spazz master. Master of the spazz."

Sephiroth stared at the blond in absolute horror. "How many brownies have you had?"

"Ummmmmm," Cloud tapped his chin thoughtfully, "Two pans."

"Two pans," the general repeated and ran a hand over his face, "You're both going to take a cold shower and then going to bed."

"But I don't wanna!" Zack whined.

"I don't care!" Seph yelled, "You two are stupid for even thinking that you could get away with being high, let alone doing it in my apartment."

"But that's the safest place to get high," Cloud blinked and started to chew on another brownie before the general knocked it out of his hand, "No one will come in here to bust us."

"You two are unbelievable," Sephiroth sighed as he grabbed the pair and hauled them off to the bathroom to try to shock some sense into them in the form of freezing water.

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_Me: Short, I know, but I really don't want to do more. I've also decided that there won't be any lemons here simply because all my attempts at a Zack, Seph, Cloud threesome have sucked to an extreme. But I think it keeps the M rating because of the drug use. I'm just going to do crack for this story, but it will be M rated crack. If you don't think that this is an M rating then tell me and I'll drop it to T._


	3. Planet Day

Me: Fuck

_Me: Fuck! I almost forgot about Earth Day!_

_Mims: Who the hell cares about Earth Day?_

_Cautai: Hippies._

_Me: And now Zack. Oh, and I changed Earth Day to Planet Day for the story._

_Disclaimer: __Final Fantasy rights are hard to find, Square Enix hides them well._

_Warning:__ Zack loves the planet very, very much and Cloud and Sephiroth unfortunately have to see it._

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Sephiroth cracked an eye open and glanced at the clock, 5 am. Stretching like a cat, the silver haired man sat up and smiled at the still sleeping blond next to him. Running his fingers through surprisingly soft spikes, the general was met with a mumbled, "not now, sleeeeeeeep." Chuckling softly, Sephiroth turned to bug Zack only to find the other half of the bed empty. Frowning, he listened carefully for the usual morning sounds of destruction that meant the raven haired first class SOLDIER was up and ready to go. When silence met his ears, Seph started to get worried.

Shaking Cloud, the silver haired man was met with a disgruntled groan and the blond turning over to avoid his hand. "Cloud," Sephiroth murmured, "Zack's not here."

"Duh," Cloud grumbled, glaring at the general for a moment before pulling the sheets over his head.

"Duh? Is that anyway to speak to your commanding officer?"

"It is when my commanding officer is being an ass and not letting me sleep on my day off," the blond growled from the cocoon he had made out of the sheets.

With a sigh, Sephiroth yanked the fabric away. "Find Zack and I'll let you go back to sleep."

"You find Zack!" Cloud tried to snatch the covers back, "And you should know where he is!"

"I will not go looking for him on my own!" Sephiroth snapped. It was a little known fact that the general was not a morning person and even though he naturally got up between 5 and 6 am everyday, Sephiroth was not happy about it. Damn Hojo. "Don't make me pour cold water on you."

"FINE!" Cloud stood and glared at the general, "But you should know where he is."

"And why would I know that?" Sephiroth raised a thin eyebrow at the cadet.

"Think," Cloud smirked, "What day is it?"

Pausing for a moment, Sephiroth tried to remember the date. "April 22nd."

"Which is what?"

"Gods damn it Cloud! It is too fucking early for this crap!"

Sighing the blond grabbed his clothes from the dresser and turned back to face Sephiroth. Slowly he began to dress, knowing full well that he was pissing the general off by not answering his question. But Cloud would be damned if he wasn't going to get at least a little revenge for being woken up before noon on the one day he didn't have anything to do this month. Finally dressed, the blond was sorely tempted to go make some breakfast instead of replying to the general, but the look on his face and the twitching eye made it clear that doing so would likely result in pain. "It's Planet Day," Cloud mumbled.

"So?"

"Come on," Cloud motioned for the general to follow him and walked into the kitchen to get something to eat. Walking up to the fridge, the blond glanced over his shoulder to make sure he was being followed before continuing. "You know how Zack is all into the Planet lately?" he asked, "Well he decided that he was going to 'be one' with the Planet. I'm fairly sure that means he's doing something incredibly stupid right now, but I don't really want to know what. He told us last night that he was going to be in that park for the higher ups all day."

Sephiroth visibly paled. "He's going to have contact with the higher up?" he murmured, "Oh shit. Forget breakfast, we need to go get Zack!"

"You go get him," Cloud grumbled as he pulled out a carton of eggs, "I'm hungry."

"You're coming with me!" the silver haired man snapped and grabbed the blond by the collar and dragged him out the door.

After literally dragging the blond through the halls, Sephiroth and Cloud arrived at the park and were stopped by a rather large crowd. Frowning at each other, the pair pushed their way through the people and stopped dead at what they saw. Zack was skipping, yes skipping, around the park in nothing but a pair of underwear and several wreaths of flowers that hung around his neck, waist, and hair. Cloud's jaw dropped at the sight while Sephiroth started to growl.

"The Planet is our friend!" Zack started to shout, "It keeps us alive and crap. Love the Planet. Have the Planet's babies. Be its baby mama! Don't hurt the planet. The Planet is our friend bitches."

"ZACHARY FAIR!!" Sephiroth bellowed causing his second in command to stumble and fall on his ass, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

"Loving the Planet?" the raven haired man smiled sheepishly.

"I'm going somewhere that doesn't involve…this," Cloud waved his hand in Zack's general direction, earning a pout from the older man. "See ya," Cloud said and sprinted out of the park.

"Zack," Sephiroth sighed, "Put your clothes back on."

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_Me: Another short one._

_Mims: But you didn't plan ahead for this one._

_Me: True. This was a bit spur of the moment chapter because I realized that I had completely forgotten about it. Only reason I actually did something was that I went online and looked up holidays and there was Earth Day. So, next chapter is Cinco de Mayo. I'm fairly certain I misspelled that, but I don't care, you know what it is. I'm actually planning on something for that one, so there should be a longer chapter._


	4. Cinco de Mayo

_Me: Cinco de Mayo time!_

_Mims: Oh god, we're all going to die._

_Cautai: Oh hell yes!_

_Me: Shut up you two, well, not Cautai, you're in charge of this one after all. So, quick set up for the chapter because people may have forgotten this. Remember Leah from the first chapter? Well this has to do with that blackmail that she has. Hope you like it. And thanks Kibawftw for looking at it ahead of time and telling me what needed to be added and yumie-darkness123 for betaing._

_Disclaimer:__ I own a laptop, some clothes, a spork, a gold fish named Sepheroony (if you've read Training you get this) that killed my fish named Axel, and a plant that for some reason has yet to die. Notice what's missing, that's right, Final Fantasy rights._

_Warning:__ Excessive drinking, horrific singing, and Cloud molestation. So an all around good time right?_

_What kelle611 is pimping:__ Go read The Eleventh Hour, it is an awesome vamp fic and needs some recognition. I love it and so will you; it has Zack getting nailed by Genesis and Squall, what's not to love? This has been kelle611 pimping other people's stories because people need to read them. Kelle611 does not pimp stories on request, only when she finds them and falls in love. Do not ask her to pimp your stuff, she won't._

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"Why are we doing this again?" Sephiroth glanced over at his raven haired second in command as they left the Shinra building.

"Because it's fun," Zack chirped.

"Why do I have to come?" the blond under Zack's arm whined, "I'm not even old enough to drink."

"Because Spiky, I can totally slip you a few beers and no one will say anything," Zack smiled widely, "Plus I really want to see you and Seph drunk."

"I'm not going to drink anything Zack," Sephiroth sighed.

"Oh yes you are," the raven haired SOLDIER retorted, "I'm going to make sure of it."

"And neither is Cloud," the silver haired man continued as if Zack hadn't said anything, "He is underage and I will not have him involved in illegal activities."

"If that were true last night wouldn't have happened," Zack smirked.

"Hey!" Cloud squeaked, his cheeks burning a deep crimson.

"Oh you know you liked it," the raven haired man smiled down at the blond, "At least if all that screaming and those 'oh god oh god, harder's were any indicator."

"I hate you," Cloud disentangled himself from the brunet and went to stand on the other side of Sephiroth.

"But we love you," the silver haired general wrapped an arm around the blond and pulled him against his side.

"Then be nice to me," Cloud said as he leaned into the embrace.

"I am nice, Zack's the ass."

"Hey!" Zack smacked Sephiroth on the arm, "Be nice. Anyway, we need to get going if we're going to meet up with Leah."

"Leah's going to be there?" Cloud peered around Sephiroth's bulk to look at Zack.

"Yup, she said that this one bar is the best place to go on this most holy of holidays," Zack smiled.

"Zack," Seph sighed, "Cinco de Mayo is not a holy holiday."

"It is if you like beer," the raven haired man shot back.

"True," Cloud said thoughtfully.

"And how would you know?" Sephiroth frowned at the blond.

"I grew up in a small mountain town," Cloud shrugged, "There isn't exactly much to do except sit around and drink. Plus there's no drinking age in Nibelhiem."

"Way to go Spiky!" Zack whooped.

"Cloud," Sephiroth growled, "I do not want you drinking tonight."

"Fine," Cloud said as he nuzzled into the silver haired man's side.

Zack mouthed 'I'll get you something' while Seph was distracted and Cloud grinned in response. "Well come on you two," the raven haired man poked Sephiroth to emphasize his words, "We need to get going if we want to get there before all the beer is gone."

"Oh what a horrific fate that would be," Sephiroth drawled, following the excited first class none the less.

About ten minutes later Sephiroth stopped dead, staring at the sign in disbelief. "Something wrong?" Cloud asked before looking up and smiling himself. Tonight was going to be goooooooood.

"Yeah Seph," Zack turned to look back at the pair curiously, "What's up?"

"You didn't say it was a karaoke bar," Sephiroth pointed at the bar in an almost accusatory manner.

"Relax," the first class SOLDIER waved a hand, "You don't have to sing. I'm going to of course, but you don't have to."

Sephiroth did relax a bit at that. The last thing he needed was for it to get out that the scary as all hell general had been singing some song at a karaoke bar while heavily intoxicated. He made a silent oath not to so much as touch anything alcoholic for the entire evening. His arm still around Cloud, the silver haired man followed Zack into the club and watched as the raven haired man bounded up to the bar to order drinks. Leading the blond under his arm to one of the few unoccupied tables, Sephiroth sat down and watched a giddy Zack return with three drinks. Scowling slightly, Sephiroth watched the SOLDIER place one in front of Cloud, a large pink smoothie from the look of it. "Zachary," Sephiroth said warningly.

"It's a virgin," Zack waved his hand as he placed a soft drink in front of Seph. The silver haired man just stared at him and Zack smiled widely, "You know, no alcohol. I thought Spiky would like a daiquiri, it's fruity. And for you a rum and coke."

"Zack, I'm not drinking tonight."

"Oh yes you are!" Zack jabbed his own beer bottle at his commanding officer, "I am not going to be the only one to get trashed. Besides, you have the alcohol tolerance of a…well I don't have an analogy, but no one can get you drunk so it doesn't matter. Besides, one drink won't kill you."

"Hello boys," a cheerful woman's voice called.

The group turned to see a small chestnut haired woman stumbling over to them, her cheeks rosy and eyes unfocussed. "LEAH!" Zack squealed, "Wait, you started without me."

"Hell yeah I started without you," Leah leaned against the now pouting soldier, "Took you too damn long to get here. Hey there Cloudy, I see Zack has started operation get the blond cadet smashed and molest him in the corner."

Cloud choked on his mouthful of not in the least bit virgin daiquiri and glared at the raven haired man. "I have no idea what you're talking about," Zack said airily, avoiding the blonde's death glare.

"Really," Sephiroth said thoughtfully, taking a sip of his drink, "Here I had the impression that was all you have been talking about for the last week. I would have told you Cloud, but I figured simply keeping you from drinking would be enough."

"You two are horrible," the blond growled, "I don't know why I put up with you."

"The sex," Zack said in a far too casual manner, causing Sephiroth to choke on his drink.

"Gaia," the general breathed, "If this is how the night is going to go I need something stronger."

"That's the spirit!" Zack shouted and ran off to get the silver haired man another drink.

"Seriously," Leah said looking over at Cloud, "Why do you put up with them?"

"I have no idea," the blond took a large gulp of his drink, fully intent on getting as drunk as possible so he didn't have to deal with anyone, at least not coherently.

Zack returned with an entire bottle of vodka and several shot glasses. "Bottoms up people!"

Half an hour later Cloud was giggling under the table while Zack poked him with his own shoe which the blond couldn't really remember taking off. Sephiroth was slightly amazed by the blonde's antics; he had downed over half the bottle of vodka, two more daiquiris, and stolen the silver haired man's rum and coke all in the short time frame. And he still wasn't passed out drunk, just giggling. Zack was gone. He had that dazed over grin that meant he had three too many beers and was no longer completely aware of where he was. He seemed far too amused with poking Cloud with his own shoe for his own good. Leah was on stage singing, at least that's what Sephiroth thought she was doing, he couldn't actually make any words out of her vocalizations. The general was feeling rather buzzed himself and if the spinning of the room was any indicator, he should leave before he did something stupid. Suddenly Cloud stood up, knocking the table over in the process. Grinning like a madman, the blond grabbed Zack's hand and pulled him away. Sephiroth was about to follow, to make sure Zack didn't do something to the blond that they would regret in the morning of course. He was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. Looking down he found the swaying Leah holding him in place, a loopy grin on her face.

"Ou needs tsu swing," she slurred. (Translation: You need to sing)

"I do not," Seph said, completely understandable despite his heavy intoxication.

"Yesh tsu sdo!" (Yes you do!)

The woman brandished her finger threateningly and Sephiroth knew that there was an actual threat behind it. Leah wasn't someone to mess with; she would mess with his schedule, send memos on his behalf that were far from appropriate, and mess with his computer. The last time he had crossed her he had been twenty minutes late for every meeting, gotten numerous phone calls asking why he was offering sex, and a few acceptances from some rather unpleasant people, and found his desktop changed to kittens, screensaver set to porn, and alert noise to Barbie Girl. The small brunet may not have been able to technically go against him, but she was definitely a threat. "Fine," he said as gruffly as possible.

"YAY!" she squealed.

Grumbling the entire way to the stage, Sephiroth caught sight of Zack pinning Cloud to the wall in one corner, firmly attached to the blonde's neck. It appeared Zack's plan had worked out after all, though the silver haired man wasn't so sure how much it was Zack's plan anymore, Cloud had been the one to drag him off. Glancing at the screen that the words came on, Sephiroth scowled. "I am not singing that song," he growled.

"Swing zit bimch!" Leah yelled. (Sing it bitch!)

"I'm still your boss!"

"Pfft, sike I car." (Pfft, like I care.)

"Come on Sephy babe," Cloud had suddenly appeared at the edge of the stage, a disgruntled Zack right behind him, "We wanna hear you sing."

"Then get another song," Sephiroth shot back.

"Come on," the blond clambered up onto the stage himself, "I'll sing with you."

"I don't know," Seph said, "You know what, I'll just sing later."

Before anyone could protest, the general was off the stage and sitting back down. Cloud just shrugged before he was tackled from behind by Zack. The pair went sprawling on the floor and the raven haired SOLDIER immediately started to take the blonde's shirt off. Cloud began whining while Sephiroth just burst out laughing. Zack wasn't going to stop no matter what anyone did, might as well enjoy the show. Once Cloud was shirtless, the older man started to lay bruising kisses along his neck and shoulders, causing the blond to squirm under the attentions.

"Grab his ass!" Seph yelled.

"Don't give him suggestions damn i-eee, let go!" Cloud squealed as Zack pinched him rather hard.

"Don't wanna," the raven haired man muttered.

"Zaaaaaaack," the blond whined.

"Screw you into the floor you say?" Zack smirked, "Why of course Cloud."

"Yeah!" Leah yelled, "Gis zit tsu im!" (Give it to him!)

"Get your hand out of there!" Cloud ripped Zack's hand out of his pants, "Help me Seph!"

"Ze ant selp su, (He can't help you)" Leah waved a hand in dismissal and everyone stopped moving, staring at the brunette and completely unable to understand her.

"Okay," Sephiroth said as he took the brunette's drink away, "You've had enough."

"Swing damn zit!" (Sing damn it!)

"Fine!" Sephiroth snapped, "But I need something more to drink if I'm going to do that." Without waiting for the small woman to further accost him, the silver haired man headed over to the bar.

"Don't leave me!" Cloud yelled as Zack started to attack him again.

A bottle of scotch later, Sephiroth finally felt up to singing.

The next morning found Sephiroth passed out, butt naked, on the kitchen counter. Groaning slightly he raised himself up and looked around. Zack was on the couch in his boxers while Cloud was no where to be seen. That didn't make sense, Cloud was always right next to Sephiroth in the mornings, usually refusing to get up or kicking the silver haired man away when he tried to start something. Glancing over at the clock, Seph grimaced. He had never in his life slept until 10 in the morning. Sliding off the counter, Sephiroth stopped as the world spun and someone hit him over the head with a hammer, well, at least that's how it felt to the general. Once he was reoriented, the silver haired man started towards his second in command, but was stopped once again. Cloud had come out from the bedroom, a large smile on his face.

"Bought time you got up," he chirped and Sephiroth winced, a hand going to his forehead, "Oh, headache?"

"Yeah," the silver haired man muttered.

"I can't believe you got a hangover," Cloud shook his head and headed into the kitchen, "With your tolerance I would have thought you'd be perfectly fine today. Why don't you wake Zack up and I'll make you guys some breakfast. Just remember to be careful, Zack with a hangover is dangerous business."

Grunting in reply, Sephiroth moved over to the couch and started to poke the raven haired man. When he got no initial response, the general grabbed the half empty beer on the coffee table and dumped it over Zack's head. "What the fuck?!" the first class SOLDIER bolted upright and stared around wildly.

"Morning Zack," Sephiroth mumbled before stumbling back into the kitchen.

"I hate you all," Zack spat, throwing the beer bottle at Sephiroth's head.

"You die now," the silver haired man hissed when struck from behind.

"No one is killing anyone," Cloud called from the kitchen, "Besides, you need Zack."

"Fine," Seph growled as he stalked towards his second in command, "I'll just maim him."

"Don't get blood on the carpet," the blond responded.

"I love you too," Zack called into the kitchen before both he and Seph winced at the volume of his voice.

"You two are pathetic," Cloud said as he leaned over the kitchen counter to look at them, "Can't handle your alcohol at all."

"How come you don't have a hangover?" Zack asked once he was sure Seph wasn't actually going to maim him.

"I've been drinking for years," Cloud shrugged and went back into the kitchen, "Since I was twelve actually. I haven't had a hangover since I was fourteen, think I got a tolerance."

"That is so not fair," Zack pouted.

"Exactly how much did you drink when you were younger?" Sephiroth asked, moving to lean against the bar and watch the blond fry them some bacon and eggs.

"Two, three times a week," Cloud shrugged again, "Like I said, there's nothing to do in a small town. Anyway, I wouldn't be worried about my state so much as what Leah's going to do to you when you get into the office today."

"And why would I worry about that?" Sephiroth cocked an eyebrow at the blond.

"Oh, I don't know," Cloud grinned, "Maybe because of that little strip show you did to 'I'm too sexy' last night."

"I did what?"

"Oh that was great," Zack laughed before remembering that noise was bad, "All Cloud had to do was get up and sing with you then tug at your shirt and suddenly you're naked. And Leah had a camera if I do remember correctly."

"That she did," Cloud smiled and put a plate in front of each of the men.

"I'm never going to work again," Sephiroth moaned and laid his head on the counter.

"Can't do that," Zack muttered, "I've tried, they send the Turks after you."

Cloud giggled at that, "Tseng wouldn't mind having an excuse to grab your ass though."

"I hate you both," the general muttered from his position.

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_Me: Well what do you think? I really want to know, so please tell me. Next holiday is Mother's Day and you all have The Infamous Me to thank for the concept to that one. Thank her, she saved you from randomly dancing Jenova…I have no clue where that one came from but it was my backup until Infamous gave me an awesome idea. And if you didn't know, Mother's Day is on the 11__th__, so update will be on the 10__th__, hopefully. I have a ton of homework right now, so no promises. I will get it out though! I swear! I'm also taking holiday requests as long as they're actually holidays; 4-20 was an exception. So no ear day or whatever, just honest holidays. I'm doing major ones, like Memorial day, father's day, and fourth of July, but minor ones or religious ones need a request, Easter was the religious exception. I'll put an intended holiday list on my profile._

_Cautai: We should also probably tell you that there is no real plot here, if one shows up it's totally unintentional. We're just making a bunch of crack and comedy relating to holidays. _

_Me: Yup, that's all. Chapters may relate to one another, like this and the first one, but overall there's no plot, so don't go looking for one. And definitely don't ask me for an explanation, I'll make fun of you in your response. Oh, and this story will run for one year, so that's how long you can expect chapters. After that I may add a chapter here and there when I've missed a holiday or had one suggested, but otherwise not really going to look at it._


	5. Memorial Day

_Me: Welcome to kelle611's Memorial Day extravaganza! Where we…remember things…_

_Cautai: You have no clue what Memorial Day is about, do you?_

_Me: Nope, not at all. And because of that fact I'm doing whatever the hell I want. _

_Mims: Look it up online._

_Me: Don't wanna. Oh, and I'm changing Memorial Day to Remembrance Day, because I want to! _

_Mims: What happened to Mother's Day?_

_Me: It sucked so I killed it. _

_Disclaimer:__ Come on, do you really think I own this?_

_Warning:__ Angst that then turns into what the fucking hell is wrong with you? Enjoy._

_Dedication:__ Last chapter was supposed to be dedicated to The Infamous Me, but since it died and I have no desire to revive it, she gets this chapter in her honor._

_Thank you:__ The Infamous Me, for helping me with Mother's Day even though it never got posted. Yumie-darkness123, for being a great beta. And Kibaftw for listening to me go on about Crisis Core with only minor cursing me for being a 'bastard'._

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Cloud stood outside the apartment that he shared with Sephiroth and Zack, key card in hand. Yet he did not enter, he was fairly certain that he didn't want to go in, not today at least. If it was anything like last year, Zack would be curled up on the couch with a picture of Angeal crying, while Sephiroth would be cursing loudly about what an ass Genesis was. Gaia he hated Remembrance Day. With a sigh the blond swiped the key card and pushed the door open. When he saw an empty couch Cloud started to get a little worried, and when no ranting met his ears the blond cautiously entered the apartment. Walking into the kitchen Cloud found the reason for the eerie silence, a note from Seph and Zack sitting on the counter.

_Cloud,_

_Zack and I went to Angeal and Genesis' graves. Be back later tonight._

"Oh Gaia," Cloud murmured and sprinted out of the apartment.

Ten minutes later Cloud was standing at the Shinra military cemetery gate in stunned silence. Zack was next to Angeal's grave as expected, curled up in a ball and sobbing something that sounded remotely like, "Whyyyyyyyyy?! Why'd you leave me?!" but it was far too incoherent to be sure. Sephiroth was the cause of Cloud's silence. Rather than berating the grave in front of him, the silver haired man was reading a book. It wasn't that Cloud had never seen Sephiroth reading before; it was just that the general was reading Loveless after having always told the blond that it was one of the stupidest things ever written ever since Cloud had met him. Emerald eyes flicked up to meet the teen's before returning to the pages.

"Okay," Cloud said, "What the fuck is wrong with you two?"

Two sets of eyes snapped to the blond in shock, neither Zack nor Sephiroth having heard Cloud swear other than when they tried to wake the teen up on his day off. "What do you mean?" Sephiroth said slowly.

"Every Gaia forsaken year it's the same with you two!" Cloud jabbed a finger at the pair, "You lose it on Remembrance Day. It's just a fucking day! You don't get what it means at all!"

"Yes we do!" Zack snapped, "We need to remember."

"No! It means you take time to think of all the good things that those that have died left behind and appreciate those you love that are still here! It doesn't mean that you turn into a useless puddle of mush and sob like a moron at the grave of your friend or read something everyone knows you hate just to get rid of guilt. And it shouldn't matter what day it is," Cloud sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "You should always remember those you love. You should take time everyday to remember them and not let it build up over time so you have a miny breakdown."

Sephiroth and Zack stared at the blond; he wasn't usually so deep, tending towards the moody angst side unless Zack had something to do with it in which case Cloud was just as goofy as his brunet counterpart. "You're right," Sephiroth finally said.

"Damn straight I'm right!" Cloud snapped, "Now, get to reminiscing without all the woe is me crap!"

Zack snickered slightly, drawing the pale haired males' attention. "I was just thinking," Zack said. When the other two continued to stare he elaborated, "About the day I met Cloud, it also happened to be the day I…with Angeal."

"I remember that," Cloud's voice was soft as he sat down next to the raven haired SOLDIER, "With the bath house."

Sephiroth perked up slightly. "Bath house?" he asked.

Ignoring the silver haired man, Zack nodded at the blond, "Yeah, the bath house. You know that was a weird day."

"It really was," Cloud nodded, "And that had to be the nastiest bath house I've ever been to."

"You've been to more than one bath house?" Sephiroth stared at Cloud, his eyes slightly unfocussed as his mind took him to a wonderful place filled with naked Cloud.

"I know what you mean," Zack wrinkled his nose slightly; "It was so gross, junk lying around everywhere."

"Well it was run down and all," Cloud shrugged slightly.

"Mmm, naked Cloud and Zack," Sephiroth moaned, his eyes glazed over.

Both the other males stared at the silver haired man. Rolling his eyes, Cloud smacked the General on the side of the head. "Pervert," he muttered, "It was in Modeoheim, where Zack had to face Angeal. Get your mind out of the gutter."

"Worst day in a long time," Zack sighed, "But at least one great thing happened to me."

"And what would that be?" Sephiroth asked as he rubbed the side of his head.

"I met Spiky here," the raven haired man smiled and rubbed Cloud's head affectionately, earning himself a smack to the head as well.

"What about you Seph?" Cloud asked as he turned t the silver haired man, "Got any stories about Genesis that don't involve the words crazy, ass, bastard, or fucker?"

"Well…" Sephiroth trailed off.

"Ooh," Zack started bouncing, "Tell, tell, tell!"

"I don't think it would be appropriate…" Emerald eyes flicked towards Cloud for a moment.

"Trust me Seph," Cloud smirked slightly, "I can handle inappropriate, especially after all the stuff I've done _to_ you."

"Good point," Seph smirked along with the blond, "Well, there was this one time, with rum, that Genesis and I had an awesome time."

"You said awesome," Zack stared at the silver haired man, "That is so."

"Don't care Zack," Cloud sighed, "Please continue."

"Well," Sephiroth smiled slightly at the memory, "We got rather drunk, more than even when we went out for Cinco de Mayo. And well, the word I want to use was in that list Cloud made of words not to include in the story."

"Oh my god!" Zack jumped up, "I knew it! You nailed Lord Loveless! (_misumisu84 shout out!_) You nailed him haaaaard!"

"Not exactly…"

"Wait, isn't the word fucked?" Zack tilted his head slightly.

"Yeah…" Sephiroth looked away.

Cloud burst out laughing while Zack just looked confused. "Oh Gaia!" Cloud clutched his side, "And you won't let us top!"

"Wait," Zack said, his eyes going wide, "You were…UKEROTH!! You no longer have the right to deny us topping."

"Call me Ukeroth again and I'll castrate you," Sephiroth growled.

"You still have no grounds to stand on for saying you will never bottom," Cloud crossed his arms over his chest in an attempt to look serious, an attempt that was somewhat diminished by the fact he was still giggling.

"I hate you both," Sephiroth stood and walked away from the giggling pair.

"We love you too!" they both called after him.

Zack snickered slightly, "Ukeroth."

"I heard that!" Sephiroth yelled back at the raven haired man.

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_Me: Alright, so I know this is late, but there's a reason. You see, I was working on this and got like halfway through, and then I got my first paycheck from work and blew it all on a PSP and Crisis Core. Needless to say I got distracted. I spent like 10 minutes playing with the camera angle saying, "Zack butt, Zack crotch, Zack butt, Zack crotch, Zack butt…" You get the picture. Well I actually ended up playing the game, crazy I know, and realized it is a total fan girl's dream. The creators seriously wanted us to write yaoi fanfiction for this, I swear! The boss fight with Angeal happens right after you meet Cloud, and is in a BATH HOUSE!! Come on, seriously, it's asking for it! And thus, a redirectioning took place. I know redirectioning isn't a word, leave me alone. I was at work when I got to that cut scene, break time is my favorite time of the day, and my brain exploded with what must be changed. Also, I'm working like 40 hours a week, so very busy. Plus I work at a deli, so I'm on my feet all day and get very tired. Days off are spent asleep or working on my contest entry AMV (Soldier Boy with Final Fantasy and The Fantasy to Advent Children), so I may not be updating as much as I thought I would this summer. Like always I'm available on AIM and MSN for anyone who wants to chat, but just know that I'm most likely not going to be online _


	6. Flag Day

_Me: FLAAAAAAAAAG DAAAAAAAAY!!_

_Cautai: -head bash-_

_Mims: Oh dear lord._

_Me: I have been thinking about this one for quite a while, since the first chapter actually. I love the mental movie that I've got going for it._

_Disclaimer:__ I own…hmm, nothing, odd isn't it?_

_Warning:__ Nudity, drinking, and company picnics._

_Please look for:__ My upcoming collaboration with Kibaftw called 'Innuendo'. It's really just us being idiots, but it's wildly amusing._

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Sephiroth sat at the picnic table, glaring at the other Shinra employees. No one approached him, just as the silver haired man wanted it. He didn't know why he was required to come to these things; he had much more important things to attend to after all. But every year he was required to attend the Shinra flag appreciation picnic. Not even having Zack and Cloud here was making it bearable, the two chocobo haired males were off in their own little world. Cloud had downed several margaritas, courtesy of Zack, and had vanished about half an hour ago, while Zack been running around with a Shinra flag around his shoulders. If Sephiroth remembered correctly, Zack had been screaming something along the lines of, "I'm super Zack, fear my flappy cape of mako dooooooooom!" As if on cue, the raven haired man skidded into view, only now he didn't have the Shinra flag.

"Seph!" Zack yelled, "Hide me!"

"No," Sephiroth said bluntly as Zack ran towards him.

"What? Why?" the raven haired man stopped and tilted his head to the side.

"You spread Ukeroth; I have yet to forgive you. Or did you think you were sleeping on the couch alone for no reason?"

"But if you don't he'll get me."

"Who will get you?"

"ZAAAAAAAACK!" a voice screamed, "I WILL KILL YOU!"

"Oh," Sephiroth smirked, "He'll kill you."

"Hide me!" Zack squeaked and attempted to hide behind the silver haired man.

"WHERE IS HE?!" Cloud stomped up to the table, the Shinra flag wrapped around his waist.

"Hiding behind me," Sephiroth shrugged, "Why are you wearing the Shinra flag?"

"Because dumb ass here," Cloud yanked Zack out from behind the silver haired man's back by the ear, "Decided to strip me when I was dazed from the booze he fed me. And then he lost my clothes!"

"I didn't lose them," Zack winced as the blond gave a rather forceful yank, "I just won't tell you where they are."

"Zack," Sephiroth sighed, "Where did you put Cloud's clothes?"

"I'm not telling. OW! That hurt Cloud!"

"Good," the blond snarled, "It was supposed to!"

"Cloud," Sephiroth smirked, "Feel free to take Zack's."

"Thank you, come on dumb ass," Cloud pulled the raven haired SOLDIER away.

"What was that about?" a soft voice asked from behind Sephiroth.

Turning to find Tseng standing behind him. "Do you really want to know?" the general asked.

"Probably not," the brunet answered, "But I'm afraid that I'll have to explain to the president why the second in command of his army is currently being manhandled by a cadet."

"Zack thought it would be funny to steal his lover's clothes and not tell him where they're hidden."

"Ah…I thought you were dating Commander Zack."

"I am," Sephiroth smirked, "But so is Cloud, and I am also dating Cloud. You know for a Turk you're a little behind on these things."

Tseng barely reacted, but Sephiroth didn't miss the slight twitch of the Turk commander's left eye. "Merely confirming information," the brunet snapped, well not snapped as a normal person would assume that it was only a slight annoyance in his voice, but for him to even allow that into his voice was as good as snapping.

The general just shrugged, "Whatever you say."

"SEPH! HELP, CLOUD'S GOING TO…"

"Perhaps you should go assist your second in command," Tseng suggested.

"He'll be fine," the silver haired man waved away the suggestion.

"GAH! DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

"You may be right though…" Sephiroth stood and headed towards the source of the loud cries. He found Zack in a headlock while Cloud removed his shirt; the blond was already wearing the first class's pants. With a sigh the silver haired man pulled the pair apart.

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_Me: -dies- _

_Mims: Ignore kelle611, she's just a little overwhelmed at the moment. _

_Me: So much to do…shit, I gotta go to work in like 20 minutes. I don't want to go to work! At least I'm on meats rather than in the kitchen. So I know this was short, but I'm really swamped at the moment, and it amused me, so I'm happy with it._

_Cautai: Needs more naked Cloud._

_Me: I don't have time to write more naked Cloud. I hope people liked it, if you think it's too short just know that tomorrow the Father's Day chapter is coming out, I'm not going to sleep when I get home from work so that I can finish it. So far I am extremely amused by it, so much so that I was giggling like an idiot when I came up with the idea. Also the next chapter is dedicated to someone, it might be you, I haven't told the person I'm dedicating it to them yet. Remember to review, because reviews equal love and I'm feeling neglected._


	7. Father's Day

_Me: There is no excuse for just how insane I really am._

_Mims and Cautai: -wave at readers-_

_Me: I don't know where this came from, no actually I do. Misumisu84's stories are to blame, but it's not completely like hers. You'll understand when you read this. Oh, it's for Father's Day by the way._

_Disclaimer:__ I don't own Final Fantasy; I'm just holding it hostage._

_Warning:__ Cloud and Zack being mean to Sephiroth as my insanity leaks onto the page._

_Dedication:__ Misumisu84 gets this one, cuz she's awesome and her fic Maternity Leave, kind of inspired this, just a bit, but still gets a mention because after reading her story this popped into my head._

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"I'm not going to tell him!" came a furious whisper from behind the Sephiroth's office door.

"If you don't then I am!" came the vehement reply.

"Tell who what?" the silver haired man asked as he entered his office.

Cloud's head whipped around so fast his blond spikes actually became slightly disheveled. "Nothing!" he squeaked.

"You gotta tell him Spiky," Zack hissed.

"No I don't," Cloud said through gritted teeth.

"Cloud," Sephiroth said softly, trying and mostly failing to sound comforting, "You know you can tell me anything."

"Not this," the blond looked away.

"Why not?"

"Because Zack is…"

"Cloud's pregnant!" Zack yelled.

Sephiroth stared blankly at his second in command, desperately trying to process what the raven haired man had just said. "Wait…what?"

"Cloud's pregnant and didn't want to tell you," Zack sighed.

"He can't be pregnant."

"It's the mako, messes with our genetics," the first class soldier put an arm around the small blond as he spoke, "If only a small amount of exposure can alter Cloud this much then both of us can probably get knocked up too. You need to start wearing a condom cuz I am not getting knocked up like blondie here."

"Zack," Cloud started.

"No need to be embarrassed," Zack squeezed the blond slightly, "We still love you."

"How do you know he's pregnant?" Sephiroth asked.

"You know how he was sick the past week? Well I took him to see Hojo and…"

"YOU TOOK HIM TO HOJO?! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?" Sephiroth yelled, "WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT LUNATIC IS GOING TO DO TO MY BABY?! Great, now I need to kill Hojo."

"Seph you don't need to kill Hojo…well you do, but not because of this," Cloud sighed.

"Yes I do!" Sephiroth started to pace, "If he knows I've reproduced he'll make sure I do it again. And don't tell me that it might not be mine because I don't think Hojo will care or take that into account. He'll just see an excuse to try to meld all the DNA of the strongest SOLDIER together. He has already fucked up my DNA, now he'll want to spread the fuck!"

"Seph calm down," Zack held up his hands, "It's not that serious."

"Of course it's that serious!" Sephiroth yelled.

"Zack lied," Cloud said flatly.

"Damn it Spiky!" Zack pouted, "You were supposed to keep him going until he turned red!"

"You were lying?" Sephiroth asked numbly.

"I can't be pregnant," Cloud stared at the silver haired man, "It's impossible. Zack was attempting to blackmail me into going along with it, but I don't care anymore. I let Zack see those naked pictures of you, the ones where you're all wet and your hair is kind of in your face but not really, and he posted them online. Sorry."

"Zack."

"Yes Seph," Zack said nervously.

"Run. Now."

"FUCK!" Zack's eyes widened and he bolted out the door, Sephiroth on his tail.

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_Me: Short, yes, do I care, no. I was going to be working on this last night after work, but I fell asleep like three lines into typing. Then I was going to work on it today, but my parents took me car shopping and I GOT A NEW CAR!! It's so pretty and I love it. It's blue, I named it Sephiroth. Obsessed? Me? NEVER! Then I was going to work on after I got home, but there's a mammoth storm going on and there might be a tornado, so I am severely freaked out, but have to get this in, and apparently can't stop the run on sentence to save my life, so I'm just going to keep typing. And it ended. So yeah, fell asleep, got hijacked to buy my baby, mammoth scary storm. And that's why it's short. Now to put this up before the wireless cuts out._


	8. Indipendence Day

Me: Um…I don't know how exactly this relates to the holiday, but I couldn't come up with anything else

_Me: Um…I don't know how exactly this relates to the holiday, but I couldn't come up with anything else. And yes, I know this is late by the way, I've been very busy. I seriously am just trying to get enough sleep to go to work right now and do all my errands and chores. Plus I'm in the doghouse since my mom found my khama sutra the other day…Oh well, on to the story that I can't really officially connect to the holiday too much._

_Cautai: I'll explain it!_

_Mims: But no one will understand then._

_Me: Go ahead Cautai, not like I got anything._

_Cautai: So it's Independence Day. The boys are playing the game and have control over their fate. Thus, independence! Oh! And there's fireworks!_

_Me: …sure, let's go with that._

_Disclaimer:__ I own Sephiroth! Seriously, I do, I named my car Sephiroth so I own him._

_Warning:__ My own blatant stupidity. And a little bit of Cloud molestation. I can't help myself, the Cloud must be molestified._

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"I don't get it," Sephiroth said.

"It's really simple," Zack rolled his eyes, "We're all famous so they made a video game about us."

"But why am I the villain?" the silver haired general frowned.

"Because you made the graphics designer cry when they took our measurements," Cloud smirked slightly, "He was also the writer. You make the writer cry and he makes you the bad guy."

"Ooh," Zack's eyes widened as the game loaded, "I'm pretty."

"And thank Gaia for that," Sephiroth sighed.

"Hey!" Zack snapped, "I resent that! No wonder you're evil in this."

"At least I don't die!" Sephiroth retorted.

"Yes you doooo," the raven haired man smirked, "Spiky kills your ass…twice."

"I do?" Cloud peered over Zack's shoulder at the TV screen with sudden interest, "I kick Seph's ass?"

"Yup," Zack nodded, "And at least I die in a noble manner. Apparently you just cry about your mommy and get your ass whooped. It takes the whole freaking army to take me down, you just need to face a short blond an-hey! That hurt!"

Both Sephiroth and Cloud glared at the first class, each shaking the sting out of their hands after smacking Zack. "I am not short," Cloud snapped.

"And I hardly think I would be easy to take down," Sephiroth glared at his first in command, "I probably destroyed Shinra before Cloud could stop me."

"Actually Blondie McShortinstine-ow! Stop hitting me!" Zack glared rather ineffectively at Cloud, "Anyway, Cloud took Shinra down. But hey, we get to kill Hojo if we play the ga-ow!"

The general had pushed Zack out of the way and grabbed the game controller, immediately putting in his settings. "Well," Cloud shrugged, "Guess we should go find something else to do because I don't think Seph's going to let us play or even talk to us until after he kills Hojo. Got any ideas?"

"Yeah," Zack's eyes lit up, "Let's go see the fireworks! They're going to start soon and it'll be fun."

Cloud stared at the raven haired man for a moment before shaking his head. "You're such a little kid," he smiled despite himself, "Hey Seph, you wanna come see the fireworks with us?"

"Can't talk," Sephiroth said, eyes glued to his game, "Killing things."

"You heard him, let's go," Zack chirped and looped his arm around Cloud's. Smiling broadly, the SOLDIER started to skip towards the door, pulling the cadet along with him. Sephiroth was aware that they had left, but didn't particularly care; he was far too busy scheming about how he was going to draw out Hojo's suffering. He had to hand it to the creators; it was a pretty good game, lots of things to kill and an actual plot.

Cloud sat next to Zack on the Shinra building roof watching the fireworks go off. Sure, it was pretty, but hardly as captivating as Zack had made it sound while rambling to him on their way to their spot. Drumming his fingers on his leg, the blond snuck a glance at his companion. "This sucks," he said bluntly, eyes drifting back to the display.

"No it doesn't!" Zack protested, "It's pretty."

"Pretty sucky," Cloud shrugged, "And not even the good kind."

"…"

Cloud froze before slowly turning back to face the raven haired man. Zack's eyes had gone unfocussed as he stared at the blond, causing Cloud to become more than a little nervous. "Zack," Cloud said cautiously, flinching when the SOLDIER's eyes snapped into focus and stared intently at him, "We can't, we're on the roof, we'll fall. I don't want to die. I'm too young to die. Sit back down. Zack, I mean it. HOLY FUCK ZACK!"

Cloud landed on his back face inches away from the roof's edge, violet eyes burning into him. "Hey Cloud," Zack murmured.

"No," Cloud snapped, "Not here."

"Hmm," Zack trailed a finger along Cloud's arm, "I think this is the perfect place."

"Zaaaack," Cloud whined as he threw the older man his best puppy eyes, "I want to watch the fireworks."

"No you don't, you were just saying how much they sucked. Oh stop with the puppy dog eyes, they don't work on me you know that. I taught you how to do them after all."

"Fine," Cloud snapped as he turned his face to avoid Zack's descending lips, "Then I refuse to participate and am telling Seph once we get back."

"Gonna make him jealous huh?" Zack's voice took on a husky tone as he nipped at the blonde's neck, "I can get into that. We'll make him regret not coming with us and playing that stupid game."

Cloud was about to retort about how it wasn't stupid when Zack sucked the skin where his neck met shoulder and his mind went blank, a soft moan escaping him. The sound of his own voice helped to bring him back to reality, or as close to reality as he could get considering that the raven haired man had somehow managed to worm his hand below the blonde's waistband. "Za-aack," Cloud stammered as fingers brushed against his length.

"That's right Cloud," Zack murmured, "Moan for me."

"I…god Zack…wait! Not here!" Cloud managed to regain his composure as he was pushed slightly closer to the edge of the roof.

"Come on Spiky," Zack ground against the blond who squeaked, "Let's have some fun."

"Is that a Wutain airship!" Cloud pointed up at the sky, eyes wide with shock.

Jumping up Zack scanned the sky. "What?! Where?!"

"In my head, gotta go," Cloud yelled back at the first class as he disappeared down the stairwell.

"Son of a…wait for me!"

It took Zack the entire way back to the apartment to catch up to the blond. Cloud's hand was just on the knob when he was slammed against the door, lips and teeth nipping at his ear lobe. "Zack," the blond groaned, "Stop it."

"Don't wanna," Zack smirked slightly.

"Too bad," Cloud snapped and he opened the door, the pair falling on the ground.

"Ow…" Zack muttered.

"Seph! Save me…hi Seph," Cloud looked up at the fuming silver haired man, "What's the matter?"

"You killed me," Sephiroth said simply, "You sleep on the couch tonight."

"But…" Cloud stared stupidly as Sephiroth turned on his heel and marched away, "It's just a game! I didn't do it in real life!"

"Don't care," the general yelled back, "Zack, leave the traitor alone and get your ass in here!"

"Looks like I get to have fun," Zack smirked slightly, "Sleep well…on the couch."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

_Me: Why is it that it's always Zack who molests Cloud? I've noticed that I always make it so that Zack is molesting and there are references to actual sex as far as Sephiroth is concerned, wonder why that is… Hmm, maybe Seph needs to get involved next chapter. Don't know; you'll have to read it to find out! Mwahahahaha! Wait…I forgot what the next holiday is…I'll look it up. Oh, it's friendship day…-snickers- I know what I'm going to do now. So August 3__rd__ is the next one. Now I have time to work on other stuff. And I get to turn 20 before the next ones out too._

_Cautai: GIVE KELLE611 PRESENTS!!_

_Me: -smacks Cautai- I'm sorry about that. Like I said my birthdays coming up and I was wondering…could I get fanart? I'm an idiot and begging, yes, but it would really make my day since I'm not getting anything from my family because I just got a car…even though I have to pay for it. It sucks, but there's no money right now._


	9. Labor Day

_Me: Oh my god, I hate technology. I had the Labor Day chapter done, 2 weeks in advance I might add, and then my laptop died! Everything on there is gone. I have a way to get to it, but it'll take a while. I have a new laptop now since it would cost more to fix the old one than get a new one, but all my work…_

_Mims: kelle is very depressed over this._

_Cautai: And she's in a slight bercitis/joint problem flair right now so pain and technology grief is not a good combination._

_Me: I'm rewriting the chapter from memory, but that's easier said than done. This sucks. God, Therapy! Over 250 hours logged, I think it was 263 hours actually, 15 pages typed. So close to finishing it too, only like 6 more pages to go. And all my stock oneshots, I had like 11 that I just kept around for no apparent reason and 4 that I actually intended to post. And my gift fic! Fuck, now I have to redo that._

_Disclaimer:__ No owny the characters, no suey the writer._

_Warning:__ Rufus is an ass, Sephiroth is pissy, and Cloud is clueless._

XxXxXx

Cloud stared blankly at the wall in front of him, tuning out the ranting silver haired man behind him. Zack plopped down on the couch next to him and looked between the blond and the wall a few times before shrugging and staring at the white surface as well. Sephiroth paused in his rant to look at his two companions. "What are you staring at?" he finally asked.

"No clue," Zack shrugged.

"Cloud," Sephiroth said, when no response came he poked the blond slightly, "Cloud what are you looking at?"

"Wall."

"…I can see that. Why are you looking at the wall?" Sephiroth exchanged a glance with Zack.

"Because it's too fucking early to listen to you," the blond glanced at Sephiroth as he spoke.

"I blame Rufus," the silver haired man growled.

"We know," Zack groaned, "You'd think the prick would let you have a day off. Why are Cloud and I here again? We don't have to work on holidays you know."

"If I have to be here on what's supposed to be my day off so do you!" the General snarled.

Before either of the spiky haired males could respond the office door opened and in strode Rufus Shinra. "Ah General," he purred as he eyed the silver haired man with far too much interest for any of the gathered men's tastes, "So glad you could make it. And I see you brought your little friends. That's nice."

"I hate you," Sephiroth seethed.

"Love you too," Shinra cooed, "Now, down to business. The reason I needed you to come in today was to strip."

Sephiroth made a move to unsheathe masamune and Zack grabbed his arm, Cloud stared blankly at the wall. "Rufus," Zack said as he pulled the silver haired man away from the young president, "If you want to keep your head I suggest you tell Seph why he's here on his day off."

Rufus seemed to consider the situation for a moment before sobering up. "I need you to go over the new batch of recruits' records before they're admitted. Tseng would usually do it, but he seems to have had something come up."

"What could possibly keep him away?" Sephiroth's voice dripped sarcasm.

"Something about his lung collapsing, I wasn't paying attention when the lazy bastard called in sick. Now here's the files," the blond dropped a stack of folders onto Sephiroth's desk, "Get to it." And with that he was gone.

"I hate that man," Sephiroth growled, "He's just as bad as his father."

"I like cheese," Cloud said as he smiled absently at the wall.

"I think we lost Spiky here," Zack patted the blonde's shoulder and he toppled over, fast asleep.

"Wake him up," Sephiroth growled.

"Let the kid sleep, not like he can help anyway."

Emerald eyes glared at the first class SOLDIER before the General growled and snatched one of the folders off the desk. Three hours later Cloud sat up, stretching lazily to stare at Sephiroth and Zack. Emerald and violet eyes watched him intently as he simply stood and turned to the door. "I'm going to the cook out, see ya," Cloud disappeared through the door and Sephiroth's eye started to twitch.

"Don't say a fucking word," Sephiroth growled as he looked back at the stack of folders, "Fuck this, fuck Rufus, fuck you, especially you, and fuck work!"

"Hey!" Zack snapped, "Fuck you man."

"I meant literally not figuratively."

"Oh…sweet, maybe later."

"Let's go to the cookout."

XxXxXx

_Me: I've realized that I've never defined Zack, Cloud, and Sephiroth's relationship, friend asked me what the hell they are to each other, and I have this to say. They sleep and live together, figure it out for yourself._

_Mims: She doesn't know._

_Me: …I have no fucking clue what they are to each other. Oddly enough I don't really care even though I'm usually really obsessive about details like that. This is just a project, not a complex story. Alright so I rewrote this after completely forgetting what the hell I originally wrote and on only 3 hours of sleep. So yes, it sucks, but I really don't have the energy to do something better right now. So deal with it while I try to get some sleep if my knees will stop feeling like they're going to explode. I hate having bad joints._


	10. Labor Day 2 original draft

_Me: Alright, I have recovered my files from my old computer! I know that the replacement chapter I wrote for Labor Day sucked, there's really no other way of describing that piece of crap. So I'm going to upload the original as well. Turns out what I came up with for the replacement was nowhere near what I had originally written. I had a cook out. Oh well, hope you enjoy. Oh, end note is the original author's note._

_Warnings:__ Slightly inebriated Cloud, fire, and Zack. Put it all together and what do you get? This._

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sephiroth stared at his first in command with apprehension as the raven haired man attempted to get the grill started. "You think it's a good idea to let him do that?" Cloud asked skeptically.

"No," Sephiroth replied, "But I don't want to do it and who knows, might be fun to see Zack blow himself up."

"I heard that!" the first class SOLDIER called back at his companions.

"We weren't trying to be quiet," Cloud said, taking a sip of his drink.

"Cloud," Sephiroth said, "Did Zack give you that drink?"

"Mhm," the blond responded.

"Give it here," the General said and took the glass, sniffing it for a moment, "Zack stop giving Cloud alcohol! I've had to take several bottles away already!"

"That's why I keep giving it to him!" the raven haired male yelled, "Let the kid get drunk already, you like the results as much as the rest of us."

Cloud stuck his tongue out at the older male in response and snatched his drink back from Sephiroth, dancing out of grabbing range as he quickly downed the rest of it. "Lighten up Seph," Cloud said happily, "Not like anyone is going to do anything. We're on the roof for Gaia sakes, no one can see us."

"That's why you shouldn't drink," the silver haired man said in a frustrated tone, "I don't want you to fall."

"I don't see you stopping Zack from drinking."

"Zack…have you been drinking as well?"

"Yup, since 6 this morning," Zack said as he sprayed more lighter fluid on the grill.

"I'm surrounded by suicidal idiots," Sephiroth grumbled as he settled back into his chair.

"No you're not," Cloud said as he plopped down on Sephiroth's lap, crossing his legs in a very feminine way, "You're surrounded by drunk idiots, we don't want to kill ourselves."

"You just admitted to being an idiot," Zack giggled.

The blond stuck his tongue out at the raven haired man before snuggling into Sephiroth's chest. "Weren't you doing something?" Cloud muttered in Zack's general direction.

"Right! Fire!" Zack turned around and pulled a fire materia out of his pocket.

"NO!" Sephiroth yelled as he jumped to his feet, dumping Cloud on the roof, "No fire materia!"

"No fun," Zack grumbled, but put the materia back in his pocket. Grabbing the matches, the raven haired SOLDIER struck one and dropped it into the grill before hitting the ground. Nothing happened and Zack raised his head as Cloud and Sephiroth stared at him. "I thought I put in enough lighter fluid to have at least a fire ball," Zack explained.

"You mean you planned to blow us all to hell?!" Sephiroth yelled.

"Um…not to hell," Zack muttered and threw the silver haired man his best puppy dog eyes.

"Kill him," Cloud said from his place on the ground, "Make it slow."

"I'm not going to kill him," Sephiroth said dismissively.

"Oh thank Gaia," the raven haired man sighed.

"I'm just going to dangle him off the roof while you get the grill going."

"No! Seph I'm sorry. Sit back down, don't do this. Sephiroth! Let go of me! Wait, don't let go of me! Hold on tighter! I don't wanna die!" Zack wailed as he was held by the neck of his uniform over the edge of the skyscraper.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

_Me: I know it's short, but it's hard to come up with something for Labor Day._

_Mims: Be happy she didn't just say fuck it! You could have ended up with another skipped holiday._

_Me: Yup, that's what happens when I can't think of anything. So next holiday is bosses day and I actually have something planned for that one, so expect a longer chapter. I'm going to start on it right away._


	11. Talk like a pirate

_Me: Arrrrr, kelle611 be stoned._

_Mims: That she is…_

_Cautai: Kelle is also in a lot of pain._

_Me: Okay…collecting self…hehe. Um…right so I'm a little high right now thanks to some pain killers. They are prescription; I have them for legit pain. I'm having a tiny…huge…joint pain flare right now and even as I type this it's actually going into my hands. Lovely. The purpose of this chapter is that I found out it's talk like a pirate day, thank you radio, and that is unofficially Zack's holiday. But I didn't foresee having to be on pain killers while writing it, so please excuse the crappiness I'm sure is about to follow. And don't give me crap about faking high…Amanda…because I'm not. I have a very high drug tolerance and can suppress the effects for limited periods of time. Anyone else who has been on pain killers for an extended period of time knows that you can do it with enough practice. _

_Disclaimer:__ I own vicodine, no Final Fantasy rights._

_Warning:__ Written while stoned and in pain. And kelle611 fails at talking like a pirate in real life, how is she supposed to properly write it?_

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sephiroth stared at the report before him taking in the details of a mission to Junon as fast as he could. It hadn't been a smooth mission, mostly because Zack had discovered he liked the local rum, and now as General Sephiroth had to decide how to deal with his second in command. His PHS went off, the shrill ring cutting through the silence that had surrounded him. With a sigh, the silver haired man grabbed the device. "General Sephiroth," he said shortly.

"Help me," a hushed voice whispered.

"Cloud?" Sephiroth sat up straight at the desperate tone, "What's the matter?"

"It's Zack," Cloud said softly, "He has some more Junon rum and thinks he's a pirate."

"He thinks he's a pirate…"

"Yes! And now he's after my booty!" Cloud said a little more loudly.

"Arr, there ye be!" Sephiroth heard Zack shout, "Get yer lily livered arse over here and let me plunder yer plank."

"SHIT!" Cloud yelled and the call cut off.

"Gaia damn it," Sephiroth sighed as he ran a hand over his face. There was no helping it; he was going to have to deal with an inebriated Zack. Leaving his work on his desk, the General quickly made his way back to his apartment, frowning slightly when the sounds of Cloud cursing could be heard from down the hall. Cracking the apartment door, the silver haired man stopped dead. "What in the name of Odin is going on in here?!" he demanded.

"Arg!" Zack held up what had to be a mangled shower curtain hook, "Ye shalt not take my wench!"

"If you don't kill him," Cloud snarled, "I swear to Gaia that I will tell Hojo that you want to do extra experiments."

"I'm not going to kill him," Sephiroth sighed, "But I'd like to know why you haven't already."

The blond sent Sephiroth a glare that would have had a lesser man shaking in fear of losing some very…precious anatomy, but the silver haired man just shrugged it off. He really was wondering how exactly the blond had gotten into his current predicament. Cloud was currently in a lovely purple dress; his blond spikes decorated with bows and pulled into several pigtails, and tied to a chair. "Stop eyeing me wench!" Zack cried.

"Zack…you're drunk…"

"Arg," the raven haired man stumbled forward and the smell of rum washed over Sephiroth, "That I be."

"Knock his pirate ass out!" Cloud yelled.

"Zack, I'm only going to tell you this once," Sephiroth said slowly, "If you don't untie Cloud right now and go take a cold shower to sober up I will throw you to the Turks for the night."

"Bite me pretty boy!" the first class jabbed the hook at the General, "I be plundering that there booty!"

Not waiting for another word from his second in command, Sephiroth unsheathed Masamune, sliced the bindings around Cloud cleanly, resheathed his sword, and grabbed Zack around the waist, throwing him over his shoulder. "To the Turk drunk tank it is," the silver haired man sighed.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

_Me: Short, yes. Do I care? No. I am in pain, my pills wore off, and I'm cranky. Deal with my unplanned short chapter and shut the fuck up._

_Mims: ...that translates to, 'I love you for reading and please review'. She's just in pain at the moment and isn't the nicest when that happens._

_Me: Yeah, what she said. I'm going to go curl up in a ball and die now. Next chapter of Holiday Surprises really will be Bosses Day and is on October 16__th__._


	12. Bosses Day

_Me: I'm so sorry this is...over ten...days...late...wow I'm late._

_Mims: You suck!_

_Cautai: It is remarkable._

_Me: Yeah, well I had issues. First I wanted to get Therapy done with, then my Microsoft Office decided to be a retarded squirrel and my internet imitated it. _

_Mims: Is that why you named the squirrel outside your house Internet?_

_Me: Yes. Because he is a retarded squirrel that I'm fairly certain someone is drugging. He chases cars for fucks sakes._

_Disclaimer: Me? Own? Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!_

_arning: Outfits, perverted Zack and Reno, frustrated Sephiroth, my random desire for French, and computer puns. Kiba knows what I'm talking about there._

_XxXxXxXxXx_

"Come on Seph," Zack called through the bathroom door, "We want to see."

"I refuse to come out," the General responded, "I like my dignity."

"If you don't come out Rufus will send the Turks to drag you out."

"Then I will kill them all!"

"It can't be worse than what Spiky is wearing," the raven haired SOLDIER chuckled.

"I will kill you all!" Cloud yelled from the kitchen.

"So temperamental today," Zack sighed.

"Yeah well you've got a real outfit," Cloud grumbled as he made his way into the bedroom. The petite blond was in a rather short, rather frilly, French maid's outfit. Zack snickered slightly when he saw the youth, once again grateful that his outfit consisted of a pair of sleek black pants and a bow tie.

"How do I have a real outfit mon cheri?" the brunet asked.

"Wow Zack," Cloud said sarcastically, "I didn't know you had enough brain power to remember French words!"

"Oh shut it," the first class SOLDIER snapped, "I happen to know quite a bit of French."

"Vous etes stupide," Sephiroth called from behind the door.

"Tu es....um..."

"Just because you know a few words does not mean you can say you know French!"

"I hate you sometimes," Zack grumbled, "Now let me see the damn outfit before I call Reno down here to drag your ass out."

"Fine!" Sephiroth snapped.

The bathroom door creaked open and Zack went into a fit of giggles while Cloud just stared. There stood General Sephiroth, conqueror of Wutai, leader of Shinra's army, feared by the entire world, in a speedo...a bright pink speedo. "It's not that bad," Cloud said after a minute, "Makes you look...big..."

"I will behead Rufus and wear his skull around my neck as a warning to all," the silver haired man snarled.

"No you won't," Zack said as he recovered from his laughing attack, "Because then we'd be out of jobs and we need the money to continue the life style we have become accustomed to."

"I will behead Rufus, take over the company, and wear his skull around my neck as a warning to all," the General stated.

"I call dibs on running the weapons department!" Cloud called out.

"I want the weapons department," Zack pouted.

"Zack...," the blond gave him a serious look, "What have we learned about you and explosives?"

"Not to touch them or people die," the brunet said dejectedly.

"Exactly," the blond nodded, "I get the weapons department. Seph, don't think I don't see you trying to sneak off. If I have to go out in this outfit, you have to go out in yours."

"You can't make me," the silver haired male growled.

"Can too," Cloud smirked.

"No, you can't."

"I have the video of-"

"I'll go," Sephiroth cut in.

"What video would this be?" Zack raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing," Cloud smiled sweetly while Sephiroth sent him a death glare.

X_x_X_x

"Ah General," Tseng purred, "So good to see you."

"Touch me and I will rip your arm off and beat you with it while you bleed to death."

"Noted."

"Sephiroth," a voice snapped, "You're late."

"I'm sorry Rufus," the General ground out, "Cloud was taking longer than expected."

"Liar!" the blond in question yelled from the floor where he had been tackled by a redheaded Turk.

"Let go of my Cloudy-kins!" Zack yelled.

"Neva!" Reno screamed as he snuggled into the blond's neck.

"I hate my life," Cloud sighed, "Reno, if you do not remove that hand in the next three seconds it won't be connected to your body any more."

"He's touching you?!" Sephiroth snarled.

"Not anymore."

"Don't hurt me," the redhead whimpered as he gave Sephiroth a 'don't hurt me master' pout.

"Then get off my property," the General glared.

"I'm not your property!" the blond squawked.

"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" Rufus bellowed and the group jumped, "Today is my day after all."

"What was the name of the holiday you made up again?" Zack quirked his head to the side slightly as he spoke.

"Bosses Day," the blond President ground out.

"Oh right," the brunet smiled brightly, "So what do we need to do oh master of the annoyance?"

"Reno," Rufus narrowed his eyes, "Shock him."

Zack squealed as electricity ran through his body before turning to glare at the redhead. Reno wasn't even paying attention, he was too busy fawning over Cloud. "You are just too cute!" he exclaimed as he hugged the blond. Cloud was beginning to look remarkably like a feral chocobo and Sephiroth wouldn't have been surprised if he bit the Turk soon.

"Cloud," Tseng said, "Would you mind helping me with my computer, I can't seem to get it to work."

"Sure," the blond muttered as he pulled himself out of Reno's embrace.

As the pair moved away, Sephiroth turned his attention back to Rufus. "Why are we here and what do you want?" he snapped.

"So hostile," Rufus sighed as he came to stand in front of the General, "You are here today because it is my day and I want some more servants."

"You already have servants," the silver haired man growled.

"Yes...but you're prettier," the blond shrugged, "Basically you're just eye candy for the day. So stand around and look pretty or I'll give you a sucky assignment."

"I hate you."

"Love you darling."

"I like my pants," Zack broke in, drawing the attention of everyone except Tseng and Cloud. "What?"

"You're an idiot yo," Reno sighed.

"Feel these thing," the brunet grabbed the Turk's hand and placed it on the pants, "Silky smooth and light weight."

"Dude," Reno said, "These things are awesome. Are they comfortable?"

"Mhm," Zack nodded, "And they feel great on my junk."

"So you SOLDIERs really do go comando."

"Only way to go."

"I'm surrounded by idiot," Sephiroth and Rufus muttered in unison before the group fell into an uncomfortable silence.

"Well why don't you just press that?" Cloud's voice broke through the growing tension.

"Because then I can't enter," Tseng responded.

"Well, tap shift, then enter."

"Won't work."

"Try hitting it harder."

"Am I the only one who finds this dirty?" Reno asked softly.

"Nope," Zack responded, "You want to hit my entrance?"

"Sure thing, I'd love to tap that," the redhead smirked.

"Well why don't you hit alt and control then enter?" Cloud frowned as he looked at the computer screen.

"Because control alt won't work, I tried," Tseng sighed.

"I'd like to control your alt," Reno purred to Zack.

"Oh baby," the brunet said over dramatically.

"Idiot," Rufus sighed, "So General...look pretty."

"I will behead you," emerald eyes flashed in warning.

"What's that?" the blond said, raising his voice to catch the attention of the entire room, "You want Tseng to help you get that speedo off?"

"My pleasure," Tseng purred suddenly right next to the silver haired male.

"Don't touch me," Sephiroth growled.

"You know you want it," the Turk ran a hand over the General's chest.

"Hey! I said, hey!" Sephiroth backed away with wide eyes, "Cloud, Zack...help me."

"No," Zack smirked, "This is rather amusing."

"Cloud if you help him you're fired," Rufus said.

"Wasn't going to anyway," the other blond smirked.

XxXxXxXxXx

_Me: That kind of...sucked._

_Mims: Are you going to rewrite it?_

_Me: Fuck no. It's late enough as is. Now I'm off to work on Therapy and the Halloween chapter. Costume party!_


	13. Halloween

_Me: PARTY!_

_Mims: -facepalm-_

_Cautai: Take it off!_

_Me: ...no. I love Halloween. Samhain is my favorite holiday. So I decided to...you know...fuck consistency. I know Angeal and Genesis were dead in a previous chapter, I am aware of this, and that Cloud never met them. I do not care. Submitted a day early because it was done and edited in time.  
_

_Disclaimer: Genesis owns this, not me._

_Warning: Intervention, party, and OOC._

XxXxXxXxXx

"How dare you all!" the redheaded haired male shouted, "The Goddess would weep if she saw this!"

"Wait...what?" Zack stared up at the tall SOLDIER.

"You are shaming the Goddess' holy day!" Genesis snarled.

The raven haired male looked up from his seat on the floor with wide violet eyes, then dropped his gaze down to the candy strewn around him. "No I'm not," he said in a childish tone.

"Genesis, leave Zack alone," a voice called.

"Angeal, stay out of this!" the redhead snapped.

"No hurting the puppy."

"He's eating sugar."

"ZACK!" three voices yelled.

"I didn't do it!" Zack shouted back as he started stuffing his candy in his pockets.

"We can see you Puppy," Angeal sighed, his black hair falling in his face as he shook his head.

"Mine!" the smaller brunet flomped over the pile of candy, gripping it possessively.

"Zack...let go of the sugar," Cloud started forward with his hands up submissively.

"Touch my candy and I will set you all on fire!"

"I'm immune to fire," Sephiroth stated bluntly and grabbed the smaller brunet and hauling him off the sweets.

"Noooo!" Zack wailed, "My candy!"

"Someone get that stuff out of here," the silver haired man instructed as he fought the squirming brunet.

"I WILL KILL YOU ALL!" Zack screamed.

"If you do not behave we won't let you go to the party," Genesis stated smugly.

"...you don't have that power," violet eyes narrowed dangerously.

"He may not," Sephiroth said calmly, "But I do. Behave or else."

"I hate you all."

X_x_X_x

"Well this sucks," Cloud stated.

"I couldn't agree more," Angeal said evenly.

"Oh come on," Genesis pouted, "Get into the spirit. Praise the Goddess. ...I will hurt you if you don't."

"Wheeeee!" Zack went flying past on an office chair with wheels.

"I like this holiday," Sephiroth announced as he went chasing after the brunet, swaying slightly under the influence of quite a large amount of alcohol.

"Well at least Seph is having fun," Cloud mused, "...praise the Goddess."

"Good boy," Genesis smirked, "Oh look! Tseng is here!"

Angeal and Cloud watched as the redhead skipped off, his medieval Loveless outfit bouncing with his movements. Cloud sighed heavily and looked down at the outfit he had been stuffed into. It could have been worse, he recognized that, but he wasn't happy. He was basically in a furry(1) version of a chocobo rather than the actual bird, a tight yellow body suit punctuated with strategically placed feathers. What really annoyed him was that Zack and Sephiroth had declared that nothing was to be done to his hair. Glancing up at Angeal, Cloud felt his eye twitch a little.

"Second class SOLDIER," the blond said dully, "Creative."

"He refused to allow me to dress him," Genesis sighed dejectedly as he came over, a disgruntled Tseng under his arm. The Turk was dressed all in black.

"What are you supposed to be?" Angeal asked disinterestedly.

"...I think I'm a ninja," the Turk picked at his shirt.

"You don't know what you are?" Cloud raised a golden eyebrow.

"At least I'm not a bird," the Turk glared.

"Hey ninja boy," Cloud started forward threateningly.

"IF YOU HURT HIM I WILL KILL YOU!" Genesis screamed.

Silence stretched between the group. Genesis seethed, Angeal had dropped his face into his hand, Cloud looked scared, and Tseng was attempting to get out from beneath the redhead's arm and flee. "Wheeeeeeeeee!" Zack went zipping by with Reno on his back and Sephiroth pushing the chair.

"I need a drink," Cloud muttered and wandered off.

X_x_X_x

Cloud stared at the ceiling, head pounding. "Get up," Sephiroth poked the blond and earned a groan.

"Too loud," Zack muttered from his place beside Cloud, "Head pounding. Uhg."

"Get. Up."

"Die. Now." Cloud muttered as he rolled over and burried his face in Zack's chest, "I have a hangover."

"You were drinking last night?" the General frowned, "You're underage Cloud, you need to stop that."

"Bite me," the blond said as he snuggled into the accommodating brunet beneath him, "I don't need to work today, I don't have training today, I can sleep."

"Sugar," Zack moaned as he snuggled the blond.

"Puppy!" a voice yelled and Zack groaned, "Get up, we have a mission!"

"Die. I want to sleeeeeeeeep," the brunet groaned before yelping when Cloud pushed him off the bed.

"All of you go away," the blond growled, glaring at the group before frowning, "Are you still in your costume?"

"Why yes I am," Genesis said airily, "I feel I look rather strapping in it."

"...I hope you get mud on it," Cloud snapped before pulling the covers over his head and disappearing from view.

"I hate you," the redhead growled.

"I hope you get blood on it," Zack smirked before wincing as light hit him in the eyes, "Stains better."

XxXxXxXxXx

1. Furry, as in anthropomorphic, not fuzzy.

_Me: I don't know where exactly that came from. It started as a party scene then it turned into an intervention then I tried to get it back. Then I felt it was too short. I'm fairly pleased with how it turned out actually._

_Mims: …_

_Cautai: That wasn't what you set out to do!_

_Me: It's almost never what I set out to do...next holiday is Veteran's Day. Hmm. I can think of something for that. Also doing a special chapter that should be up in a day or two. I won't give you a hint though, you gotta wait and see. Kiba knows what it is.  
_


	14. Commercial Time!

_Me: So this isn't really a holiday, but I figure it kind of fits into the series so I didn't want to put it on it's own. _

_Cautai: Random chapter for the mother fucking win!_

_Me: Hehe, yeah. So I was chatting with Kiba and she misspelled something and I said it sounded like a breakfast cereal. Fictuitos sadist I believe it was. We made fun of it for a while, then rabid plot bunnies bit Cautai. While he was foaming at the mouth he produced a wonderful idea of commercials for the Final Fantasy boys. It's so cracky and comedy laden that I'm putting it up in Holiday Surprises._

_Disclaimer: Your mom...I got nothing._

_Warning: Excessive amounts of crack. If you're not an addict you will be after reading this. Also, a fair number of swears, animal attacks, pissed off SOLDIERS, and kelle611 being an idiot._

XxXxXxXxXx

"Alright!" the short bald man said happily, "Here's the line up-"

"Do we have to do this?" Zack whined.

"Yes," Tseng snapped, "If you don't I have permission from the President to cause you bodily harm and molest Sephiroth without being charged for rape."

The silver haired General stared at the Turk for a moment before taking a quick step back. "What do we have to do?" he asked the bald man.

"You General will be doing cereal and a shampoo commercials. Lieutenant Fair, you will have a sports drink. Mr. Strife, you get to work with animals in a pet shop spot. And Mr...I'm sorry I don't know your last name."

"Don't have one," the redhead smirked, "Just call me Reno."

"Alright Mr. Reno, you will be doing a commercial for the Honey Bee Inn," the fat little man smiled widely, "Let's get you all into hair and makeup."

"If anyone tries to put makeup on me I will stab them through their spleen, rip out their kidney, then force them to eat said kidney," Sephiroth growled.

"...okay lets get most of you into hair and makeup."

"If you put makeup on me I'll bite you!" Cloud snapped.

"No you won't," Zack patted the blond on the head and shepherded him away.

X_x_X_x

"Alright," the director yelled, "Just read the lines General."

"Shinra Flakes are a balanced part of taking over the world," the sliver haired man dead panned.

"...um...the lines we gave you," the little man said uncertainly.

"Shinra Flakes, now with even more unidentified jagged objects."

"You know...the lines from that script we gave you," the bald man glanced over at Tseng nervously.

"Shinra Flakes, no longer makes you vomit!" Sephiroth said enthusiastically.

"General," Tseng said warningly.

"Fine...Shinra Flakes, EAT THEM OR WE'LL KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!!" the silver haired man gave his best crazy look in accompaniment of his statement.

The director face planted.

"Shinra Flakes, now with mako burn."

"You seem to be enjoying yourself," Tseng mused, "Too bad I'll have to remove your pants if you don't behave."

"Shinra Flakes, eat them."

"Good enough," the director muttered, "Bring in the hair products."

Several tech hands moved onto the stage and removed the table with the cereal, replacing it with a poster and stand with shampoo.

"Alright General, just say the lines that we gave you and try to be sexy."

".........."

"Um...General...you have to say something..."

".........." Sephiroth glared.

"Don't make me molest you," Tseng warned.

"......" the silver haired man flicked the Turk off.

"Please say the line," the director begged.

".....fuck off."

X_x_X_x

"Alright Zack, this is really simple, just say the lines on the cue card and hold up the bottle," the director said pointedly.

"Okay," Zack smiled widely, "I drink Shinra Sport, the high energy, electronic infused-"

"Electrolyte," the director interrupted.

"That's what I said," the raven haired man frowned.

"No, you said electronic. It's a little different."

"Oh...can I taste this?"

"Sure, why not. We could use a few drinking shots."

The SOLDIER immediately chugged the entire bottle. "Dude! That is fucking awesome! It's like sugar in my veins!"

"DON'T GIVE HIM SUGAR!" Sephiroth yelled from off set.

"Why shouldn't we give him su...gar...oh fuck," the director stared at Zack in horror.

The brunet had started to shake, a maniacal grin on his face as he looked around excitedly. "Iwanttodosquatsletsdosomesquatsyouwannadosomesquats?" he said far too quickly, "Spiky! Hey Spiky! Get your ass over here!"

"Fuck you Zack!" Cloud yelled from where he was being held captive by one of the makeup girls.

"That's the idea."

"Sephiroth!" the blond yelled, "Do something!"

What followed next was a half hour of total destruction, cadet molestation, and things that could never make it onto TV without an NC-17 rating.

X_x_X_x

"Okay," the director said, his form drooping slightly, "Just say the lines Cloud, just say the damn lines and play with the animals."

"Are you crying?" the blond asked.

"Just say the lines!"

"Okay!" Cloud looked at the cue cards and smiled, "At Joe's Pet Emporium you can find all the animals that you might-mother fucker!" Cloud ripped his hand out of the lizard's mouth and cradled his bitten finger protectively.

"Say. The. Lines."

"It bit me!" the blond pointed accusingly, yanking it back when the lizard attempted to bite him again.

"Say the mother fucking lines you little shit!" the director snapped. He squeaked as a blade was pushed against his throat. "I'm sorry," he said quickly and Sephiroth withdrew the blade.

"Can I have a different animal?" Cloud asked as he gave his cutest pout.

"Sure...get him the miniature chocobo."

A small blue bird was brought onto set and the blond practically melted. "It's so cuuuuuuute," Cloud cooed.

"Say the lines," the director snapped.

"Oh I just wanna cuddle him," the small male moved to touch the bird. The chocobo immediately hissed and launched itself at Cloud. "Oh Gaia! My face!"

X_x_X_x

"Come down to the fuck shack!" Reno yelled.

"...Tseng..." the director said.

"Reno, don't make me hurt you," the Turk commander warned.

"Come down to the Honey Bee Inn and fuck a whore!"

"..."

"Come to Fucky McFuckinstines to fuck a fucking fuck whore," the redhead smiled widely.

"Please say the lines," the director sobbed.

"Here at the Honey Bee Inn we will rape your ass! Like the Don tried to rape Cloud!"

"WHAT?!" Zack and Sephiroth yelled in unison.

"Reno...I hate you," the bruised blond growled.

"You know what?" the director said suddenly, "Fuck it, we'll fix it in editing. Get away from me, all of you."

X_x_X_x

"Thank you all for coming," Rufus smiled widely.

"Like we had a choice," Sephiroth grumbled.

"...shock him," Rufus said. Sephiroth yelped as an EMR made contact with his ass. "Alright, so here are your commercials. Shut up and watch them."

The President turned to a TV and started up a video. The group sat back, smirks adorning most of their faces while Cloud rubbed the long cut on his arm with a scowl. The screen turned black for a moment then Sephiroth came into view. "Shinra Flakes, a balanced part of any breakfast. Our scientists specially formulated this cereal to benefit your family. They earn my silver star of approval."

"...what the fuck?" Sephiroth asked, "I never said any of that!"

"We have wonderful editors," Rufus said, "You just wait for the shampoo."

The screen went black again before there was a sweeping shot of flowing silver hair. "Shinra Shampoo," a womans voice murmured, "For silky tresses that are unparalleled." The camera did another swooping shot, this time including a smug looking Sephiroth's face.

"...I hate you," the General muttered as he glared at Rufus. The President just smirked.

"Shinra Sport!" Zack's excited voice broke through the silence that had descended. The group turned back to the TV watching as the raven haired SOLDIER doing squats. "High energy," the image said before the shot changed to him running around like a lunatic. "I drink Shinra Sport!" The logo came up and Sephiroth scowled.

"Why does he get a normal commercial?" the silver haired man snarled.

"Because he didn't threaten to decapitate me on a regular basis."

"Shhh," Zack hushed, "Spiky's bit is up. I can't wait to see how they spin this."

"Joe's Attack Chocobos," an announcer said, "They don't even stop for their own." The screen showed the chocobo headed teen being attacked, screaming like a little girl.

"MOTHER FUCKER!" Cloud screamed and launched himself at Rufus, only to be caught by Tseng mid leap.

"Shut up you guys!" Reno yelled, "Here's mine!"

"The Honey Bee Inn is a fine establishment that has provided quality gentlemen's entertainment and comfortable guest lodgings for the entire family." the redhead Turk smiled from the screen, "It has the Shinra Turk's stamp of approval for safety and security. Come on down to the Honey Bee Inn and you won't be disappointed."

"What. The fuck?" Reno asked as he stared blankly at the screen, "I fucked up those lines so bad that no one should have been able to get something out of it!"

"The wonders of editing," Rufus smiled, "...I'm going to go before you all murder me."

XxXxXxXxXx

_Me: -cackles evilly- This amuses me like you wouldn't believe._

_Cautai: I like the rabid plot bunnies!_

_Me: Let me know what you think, I'd love to know._


	15. Veteran's Day

_Me: Why the hell do you people find me funny?! I'm not funny! I seriously do not understand the responses I got for the last chapter, but thank you. I'm afraid Veteran's Day is not comedy so much as it is me not knowing what the hell to do and going the depressing route._

_Cautai: Well...I'm out of here then._

_Me: No drugs!_

_Mims: He's not listening. Now...get with the actual content._

_Me: In a minute. I'd like to take a minute to bitch about the new log in screen layout. I can't see my story stats for hits anymore! I loved that, it was such a freaking ego boost! I can't see the total number of views for a story any more and I was so close to 15,000 views for this. I was going to do something special for when I hit it. And Therapy was just under 20,000. This is bullshit, that was my favorite feature on the whole damn log in page. Probably the whole damn site. I may just move completely after all. Y! Doesn't do this crap to me. They don't completely reformat every time they upgrade the system. Bull fucking shit!_

_Mims: Calmed down?_

_Me: ...yes. I'm not officially leaving yet, I'll still post, but this really isn't my main site. I'm mostly over on y!gallery now. I'm just kind of finishing my stories that are here, but I probably won't add more. I just like y! better and I get more views there anyway. I don't know, I'll figure it out later._

_Disclaimer: FANfiction. FAAAAAAANNNNNNNNfiction. Not ownerfiction, fanmotherfuckingfiction._

_Warning: Angst then writer giving up and cutting it off._

XxXxXxXxXx

Zack sat at the bar counter, hands cupping his glass of scotch as he stared blankly ahead. Mako violet eyes seemed unfocused and distant. Sighing heavily, the raven haired SOLDIER raised his glass and took a swig. Shifting his gaze, Zack took in the slumped form of his silver haired commander. Sephiroth was sprawled over the counter, head resting on his arm as his other hand gripped the bottle of vodka the bartender had left beside him. Occasionally the hand would tighten convulsively, the only sign that the General was even awake. Swiveling his head in the other direction, the brunet looked at his mentor spin an empty beer bottle between two fingers.

"You couldn't have done anything," Zack found himself saying.

"Could too," Sephiroth grumbled.

"We could have saved him," Angeal said numbly, "If we had been a little earlier."

"If we hadn't missed that sniper," the silver haired SOLDIER raised his head to stare desperately at the wall behind the bar.

"It wouldn't have mattered," Zack shook his head, "If we had gotten the sniper then those backup ground troops would have gotten him. If we had been a little quicker we would have gotten taken out too. Shinra will give him a proper burial and-"

"No they won't," Sephiroth said bitterly, "They don't give a shit about us. We were born and trained to kill, to do their bidding, and to die for them. Gen won't get a hero's burial, he'll get a mention on the news and then be forgotten."

"I hate this fucking uniform," Angeal said suddenly, drawing surprised looks from his companions. Angeal never swore, it wasn't the honorable thing to do.

"Okay," Zack said slowly before turning his attention to his glass, "I think...Genesis deserves a real hero's funeral. We should do something for him, for everyone who died. It would be selfish to just do this for Gen."

"And what would you have us do?" Angeal snapped, "We can't do anything that makes Shinra look bad."

"We should do a media campaign, talk to any reporter that will listen. We could tell them about how we're honoring every fallen soldier, no matter the side."

"Shinra will stop us," Sephiroth muttered.

"Okay..." Zack paused as he tried to get his alcohol addled mind to work properly, "We could get the press department to get them involved."

"They don't care Puppy," Angeal said softly, "Genesis was a traitor, they already said he was killed in action. They'll say the body was recovered so his family can bury him and that will be it. They can't have an open casket because he's supposed to have died a few weeks ago, the body wouldn't be viewable. Just accept we're all expendable."

"You know what we should do?" Sephiroth slurred.

"What?" Zack tilted his head slightly as he looked at his friend.

"We should be more like Genesis," the silver haired man, "Random group sex."

"..." both raven haired men stared at the General.

"He would have wanted it!"

"...true," Angeal said thoughtfully, "But I don't know..."

"Bar sex time!" Zack yelled and jumped his mentor.

Angeal screamed like a bitch, Sephiroth accidentally the whole wine bottle, and Zack became a man. The fucking end. (I don't know what to do!)

XxXxXxXxXx

_Me: I realized about halfway through that I had no idea where I was going with this...so I made them have random bar sex. _

_Mims: Because that's what Genesis would have wanted._

_Me: I didn't know what to do!!!! I just kind of gave up on trying to figure it out as well. I had to do something, so that's what it ended up. I'm sorry. -hangs head in shame- I just have too many things to do right now that this kind of fell by the wayside and I realized it wasn't finished and...well. -points- So...sorry? I'm going to go work on my kiribans for DA and y!gallery now. And I'm almost afraid to ask, but please review._


	16. Thanksgiving

_Me: I forgot about this till the last minute! Forgive me if it seems rushed._

_Disclaimer:__ -looks around empty room- yup, no ownership rights here._

_Warning:__ I have a food fetish…well, cooking fetish…you get to suffer the consequences. _

XxXxXxXxXx

Tseng sat on the sofa across from Sephiroth, their eyes carefully locked on one another. The General was holding his wine bottle as if he wanted to bash it over the Turk's head, which he probably did considering that Tseng had groped him a grand total of three times in the fifteen minutes he had been in the apartment. Rufus seemed completely oblivious, watching Reno and Zack playing wii boxing. The redhead was losing and did not seem too pleased about it. The blond President turned his gaze away from the now snarling Reno to the kitchen where Cloud was moving around in an overly stressed way. The spiky haired blond looked over at the sitting group and scowled.

"Will someone help me cook already?!" he demanded.

Sephiroth looked over at the blond then down at his bottle of wine as if weighing the pros and cons of leaving his alcohol. Reno wasn't even paying attention, he had tackled Zack and started to punch him for real while the SOLDIER just laughed and informed the redhead that Turks were weak. Tseng seemed to be trying to figure out how to attack Sephiroth without being killed. With a heavy sigh Rufus stood up.

"I'll help you," the blond said.

Silence reigned supreme in the room as everyone stared at the President. "Um…sir?" Reno said uncertainly, "Can you cook?"

"I happen to be gifted in many areas," Rufus said airily, "Cooking is one of them."

"Well I guess it can't hurt," Cloud shrugged, "Will you help me stuff the turkey?"

Zack and Reno both snorted loudly and the blondes looked over at them curiously. "Nothing," Zack squeaked as he tried to suppress his laughter.

In perfect unison the blondes sighed and rolled their eyes. Rufus made his way into the kitchen to help Cloud. "Those two are way too in sync with each other," Sephiroth muttered as he took a swig from his wine bottle.

"They really are," Tseng sighed, switching couches and sitting beside the General. The silver haired male growled at the Turk, pushing him off the couch in one swift movement.

"You know whose turkey I'd like to stuff?" Zack said suddenly.

"I'd like to baste your turkey any day," Reno grinned as he rubbed against the SOLDIER's side suggestively.

"You'd pour your gravy all over me huh?" the brunet grinned, "Oh baby."

"I'd whip my cream all over your pumpkin pie," the Turk started to giggle.

"I feel dirty," Cloud said, frowning down at the ingredients in front of him.

"Oh you know you'd eat it all," Reno grinned broadly.

"Yeah," Zack groaned, "Drink my gravy Cloud."

"Leave the boy alone," Sephiroth growled, "Let him mash his potatoes in peace."

"Those aren't potatoes," Tseng grinned, leaning over the slightly swaying General, "But I know what I'd love to mash."

Rufus groaned as he watched his Turk commander attack his General. "Don't kill or rape each other!" he yelled.

"Great moral support," Cloud muttered as he put a casserole in the oven.

"Oh yeah Cloud!" Zack yelled, "Stuff that pan in there! Make it fit!"

"Why are you doing this to me?!" the spiky haired youth yelled.

"Because we can't have anything nice and clean with this lot," Rufus sighed.

"I don't know if it's all going to fit," the brunet SOLDIER said dramatically.

"Zack…it's made to take big loads," Cloud looked down at the oven with a frown and Rufus inwardly groaned.

"Yeah, like the time you made that cake with all the…filling…"

"Was it white?" Reno smirked.

"Yes it was," Cloud shrugged, "Vanilla."

"Wow!" the redhead perked up, "I didn't know you came in flavors!"

The spiky haired blond choked loudly on his own breath, doubling over the counter as if he had been struck. "The frosting Reno!" Rufus yelled at the Turk.

"Mm," Zack smirked, "I'd eat his frosting any day."

"Especially if it cums in flavors," Reno nudged him slightly.

"I hate you all," Cloud sobbed slightly as he dropped to the floor.

"GET OFF OF ME YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!" Sephiroth screamed as he threw Tseng across the room. The Turk went flying across the counter, knocking all the food to the floor, before slamming into the oven.

"Well fuck it," Rufus sighed, "Let's go out for dinner. Cloud, where would you like to go considering that these imbeciles will not be joining us."

"Somewhere that I can get drunk and forget I live with two of them," the blond muttered from where he had taken up residence on the floor.

"Come on," the President held out his hand to the blond and pulled the cadet to his feet. The pair glared at the collected pouting men and headed out the door. "We should have an affair," Rufus said while still within earshot of the group.

"Oh definitely," Cloud agreed, "I'll stuff your turkey."

"No way," the President scoffed, "I'll be stuffing yours."

XxXxXxXxXx

_Me: I have no idea what is happening to this story anymore. I feel like I'm just throwing random shit at the page and hoping it goes together at this point. I don't even know if it's working. Oh well, I guess I'll be taking the opportunity to announce my holiday gift thingy. Bold time!_

_**For all my lovely watchers, alerters, and favers, I'm doing a holiday gift. I am so unbelievably happy to say that I've gotten over 250 watchers on all my accounts combined and I feel like I should really give back to you all. So this winter holiday I'm taking a request and going insane with it. Suggest quickly, because I'm going to choose one and just start since it'll be a long one. I'm hoping for around 10,000 words. So suggest! SUGGEST!**_


	17. 18000 view bonus chapter

_Me: Over 18,000 story views! -squeals-_

_Mims: Seriously?_

_Cautai: Look at the stats page!_

_Me: I have no idea why you people like me, but I'm grateful that you do. So as a thank you for the views I'm doing a bonus chapter. Kind of like the commercial chapter, but a different subject._

_Disclaimer:__ Ownership is not something I have…it saddens me._

_Warning: __Bondage should only be practiced if you know what you're doing!_

XxXxXxXxXx

"I hate you both," Cloud grumbled as he swung slowly back and forth, his feet and one arm secured to the ropes hanging from the ceiling.

"Well how was I supposed to know that wouldn't work?" Zack asked incredulously as he tried to figure out how to undo the knots without dropping Cloud on his head.

"You did talk us into trying this," Sephiroth muttered as he helped to support some of Cloud's weight so he wouldn't pop his shoulder out of place.

"You guys should have gotten a book on bondage or something though," the raven haired male muttered, "You know I can't be trusted."

"Wait," the blond twisted his body so he could survey the First with an icy glare, "You did read the book right?"

"Why would I?" Zack asked innocently.

Cloud and Sephiroth stared at one another before turning their gaze to the remarkably unflustered brunet. "You talked us into this," the General pointed out, "We were under the impression you knew what you were doing."

"Since when do I know what I'm doing?"

"Hit him," Cloud growled.

Diligently Sephiroth punched Zack's shoulder…hard. The SOLDIER fell off the bed, whimpering slightly as he clutched his bruising shoulder. "Well fine," the brunet pouted, "Figure out how to get down on your own."

"You abandon me and I will make sure you never have sex again!" Cloud yelled.

Zack seemed to consider that for a moment, mentally weighing the blonde's threat. Finally deciding that Cloud would indeed do that to him, the brunet sighed and moved to stand on the bed, once again looking over the ropes securing Cloud to the ceiling.

"Anyone home yo?" a voice called from behind the bedroom door.

"In here Reno!" Zack yelled back as he tried to undo one of the knots, getting his finger stuck in the process.

Cloud looked on with wide, frightened eyes as the bedroom door was flung open, revealing Reno and Rufus standing in the hallway. Sephiroth was too stunned to actually do anything and even if he hadn't been he needed to support the blonde's weight. The pair standing in the hall stared, wide eyed, at Cloud, taking in the fact that he was one hand away from being hog tied to the ceiling, Zack was stuck in the ropes and tugging to get his hands free, and Sephiroth was holding Cloud up.

"I told you I didn't want to come!" Rufus yelled suddenly, his face turning bright red as he fled the scene.

"Hey Reno can you help me with this?" Zack said, completely unperturbed by the young President's fleeing declaration, "I can't seem to undo Spiky."

"Sure yo," the redhead shrugged, "I'm good with ropes."

Cloud groaned slightly, dropping his head into Sephiroth's shoulder to avoid Reno's gaze. "I want to die," he muttered.

"Oh don't be embarrassed," Reno laughed slightly, "Everyone has trouble with bondage at least once. The key is to really read the instructions before you try something though. What were you trying to do anyway?"

"We don't know," Sephiroth growled, glaring at the brunet next to him, "Zack didn't get a manual."

"Ooh," the Turk grimaced, "That's a bad idea. Damn Zack, you really tied him in good. We're gonna have to cut him down."

X_x_X_x

Cloud limped down the hallway into the cafeteria, all the while glaring at Zack with everything he had. The brunet at least had the decency to look ashamed of himself; which was actually the only reason he hadn't been castrated by the angry blond. Sephiroth trailed behind them, an amused smirk on his face. Entering the cafeteria Cloud froze. Every eye had turned to them and almost every face was grinning. Sapphire eyes quickly scanned the area, locating Reno with ease. The Turk smiled sheepishly, shrugging slightly before leaning down to whisper something in his partner, Rude's, ear.

"Oh Gaia," Cloud groaned.

"Looks like everyone knows," Zack snickered.

The blond scowled as he turned on the brunet. Punching Zack firmly on his bruised shoulder, Cloud marched past the whimpering SOLDIER back towards their apartment.

XxXxXxXxXx

_Me: It's short, I know, but I have a lot to do at the moment and couldn't really focus on this for too long. I just really wanted to get something out since I just noticed this was past 15,000 views and all. I would have done something earlier, but FFN took the accumulative views down for a while and I didn't know what it was. So a huge thank you to everyone who has looked at my little crack series, it means the world to me. Please comment._


	18. Christmas

_Me: In this chapter I get racist!_

_Mims: But we're making fun of everyone, so it's okay._

_Me: Doesn't change the fact that it's still mildly racist. And I'm seriously just throwing more and more characters into the mix with this. I have no rhyme or reason anymore. Also…my family is fucked up okay? So the holidays for me are either a guilt trip, being ignored in favor of everyone else's random 'wholesome' conversation, or a fight. That should be known because it relates to this chapter in many ways._

_Disclaimer:__ I so do not own these characters._

_Warning:__ kelle makes fun of religion! Even my own…DON'T FLAME ME! -hides-_

XxXxXxXxXx

Cloud slumped down in his chair, peering at the feuding pair in his kitchen. He had yet to figure out _why_ Rude and Rufus were fighting in _his_ kitchen, he was pretty sure there were plenty of places the pair could fight. But there they were, yelling at one another while Cloud, Zack, Sephiroth, Reno, Angeal, and Genesis watched. Though it seemed that Zack and Reno were just betting between each other over who was going to throw the first punch.

"I cannot believe you!" Rude yelled and the group watching winced. The bald Turk may not speak regularly, but when he yelled he was LOUD. "Why won't you just accept other people's beliefs into the company policy?!"

"I can't very well have every fucking holiday be a company holiday!" Rufus bellowed back.

"I demand a day off for Kwanza!" Rude snarled.

"What did I miss?" Tseng asked as he plopped down on the couch next to Cloud.

"Rude wants Kwanza off, Rufus won't budge," Zack whispered.

"I do not negotiate company policies with the likes of you!" the blond President growled, taking an ominous step towards the bald Turk.

"You wouldn't would you?" Rude harrumphed.

"And what is THAT supposed to mean?"

"Your kind never does."

"And what is THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN YOU LITTLE INGRATE?!" Rufus screeched and the entire apartment, aside from Rude, flinched.

"Oh nothing Mister Christian," the Turk said airily, "Just that you fuckers think you're so superior to everyone. Would it kill you to concede that maybe there are other religions and beliefs out there that are just as valid as yours?"

Rufus sputtered for a moment before turning a lovely shade of red. With a growl the blond launched himself at Rude, tackling the Turk to the floor and attempting to strangle him. This plan may have worked if not for the fact that the bald man was a Turk and quite capable of protecting himself. The group in the living room turned away from the commotion, content in their belief that neither man would be able to do any lasting damage to the other.

"So what's everyone else doing this holiday that we won't mention because Rude will rip our throats out?" Sephiroth asked lightly.

"Well for Hanukah," Zack said happily, "I'm going to make my mom's famous chili!"

"…you're Jewish yo?" Reno asked.

"What of it?" the raven haired male blinked innocently.

"Nothing really…" the redhead looked away sharply.

"What's with the look?"

"Nothing!" Reno held up his hands defensively, "It's just that I thought Jewish people couldn't eat pork."

"Officially no, we cannot," Zack shrugged slightly.

"Then what's with the chili? And is that really a good Jewish holiday dish?"

"What's with all the questions man?" the SOLDIER growled, "Can't you just accept the free food and shut up?"

"…that's a very good point yo," Reno said looking thoughtful, "I think I'll shut up now."

"It's a Yule miracle!" Cloud gasped.

"Yule?" Tseng frowned.

"Yeah," Cloud smiled slightly, "I'm Wiccan."

"So you're into all that hocus pocus shit?" Genesis laughed slightly as he cast the blond an amused look.

"Oh fuck you Goddess boy!" Cloud snarled.

"I'd like to see you try," the auburn haired male snorted, "As I hear it you get tied to the ceiling, I don't think you could take me on."

"…I'm going to kill you Reno," the blond said softly before leaping at the redhead.

"So Tseng," Genesis said cheerfully, completely ignoring the screams of pain coming from the Turk on the floor and Rude in the kitchen, "What are you doing this glorious holiday season?"

"I have no holiday this time of year," the Turk Commander shrugged slightly.

"What?" Genesis blinked slightly, "What religion are you anyway?"

"I practice voodoo."

Genesis looked startled but Angeal smirked slightly as he sat in the seat Cloud had vacated. "That actually explains quite a bit," he said thoughtfully.

"You gave me that rash didn't you?" Genesis asked as he stared at the Turk, "The one on my a…arm, on my arm."

"No," Tseng said, "That was an STD."

The entire group halted and stared at Genesis who was turning a lovely shade of pink. "So Angeal!" Zack said suddenly as Genesis buried his face in his hands, "What are you doing for the holidays?"

"Same thing I do every year," the older brunet said, "Go to the VR room and kill computer generated monsters since everyone else is gone."

"What? Don't you have any holiday traditions?" Cloud asked as he sat on a defeated Reno's back.

"I'm atheist actually," Angeal shrugged, "I found that I can't believe in anything. I'm just not really the religious kind."

"Oh…"

"YOU GET A PAY CUT!" Rufus yelled from where Rude had him in a headlock.

XxXxXxXxXx

_Me: And the original premise was lost somewhere along the way…again…fuck it. I like it. Not redoing it. It's crack anyway, I don't have to follow the non-existent story sketch. O.O Someone just ran past me in their underwear…what the hell? I'm at my college in the student center. What the hell? Oh well…um… I can't think of anything to say after that…_

_Mims: The name thing._

_Me: Oh right! Okay, so I've actually met a few people from online, mostly by accident or them overhearing my conversations with friends and recognizing the topic. And the one thing I've noticed is no one can say my name right. It's kelle, pronounced kell. Like kill with an 'eh' instead of an 'ih' sound. It has to do with my last name and a school ID that I kind of adopted as a nickname. So stop calling me Kelly, it's nowhere near right. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, please comment. Dear god he should be wearing pants! Why are there almost naked people in my student center?!_


	19. Valentine's Day

_Me: I know I skipped New Years even though I said I'd be doing it. The thing is I tried to write it. I spent around 50 hours on that fucker. I just hated it so much that I could not bring myself to finish it. Hell, in those 50 hours I never got more than 3 pages written. The premise was good, the execution was horrific and I hated it so much. So it is now dead to me. DEAD!_

_Mims: Quit with the dramatics!_

_Me: …sorry. So now we skip to Valentine's Day. _

_Disclaimer: __Well…I made penis pancakes once; does that count as ownership?_

_Warning:__ Zack abuse, penis pancakes, and cranky Cloud and Sephiroth._

XxXxXxXxXx

"WakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupWAKEUP!!!" a voice bellowed in Sephiroth's ear.

Rather than following the very explicit directions, the silver haired man rolled away from it, gripping the small body he found and pulling it to his chest. The body mumbled something unintelligible and curled up against him. Sephiroth yelped as he was struck over the head with a pillow, his emerald eyes glaring up at Zack who stood poised to strike again.

"Oh you're up," the brunet said cheerfully.

"You have five seconds to explain yourself before I get out of this bed and rip your fucking head off," the General growled.

"Don't get blood on the bedspread," Cloud muttered into Sephiroth's chest.

Zack just scowled at the pair before raising the pillow up again and smashing it down so that it hit both Cloud and Sephiroth's faces. The silver haired man reared up, snatching the pillow away from the First class and began to pummel him with it. Sephiroth's strength made the attack a little more brutal than a normal pillow strike, knocking Zack onto his butt as he squealed and batted at his assailant. Cloud just blinked at them for a moment before rolling over and pulling the blanket over his head. After about five minutes of nonstop pummeling later, Zack was curled up in a ball on the floor and Sephiroth finally left him alone, flopping back down on the bed and drawing the covers back over his head. Cloud instinctively moved to curl against the silver haired man once again.

"You two suck," Zack muttered from the floor, "So mean to me all the time. If I didn't know better I'd think you hated me."

"Hate you right now," Cloud muttered as he grabbed his pillow and chucked it at the brunet.

"Fine," the SOLDIER snapped as he caught the projectile before it could hit him, "Then I guess you get no pancakes. I'll just have to eat them all myself!"

"I'm up," the blond said as he lurched to a sitting position and tossed the blankets off his body.

Sephiroth groaned loudly as he reached for the covers. "Why do we need to get up so early?" the silver haired man muttered, "It's our day off!"

"Because it's Valentine's Day," Zack pouted as he jumped to his feet and grabbed Cloud's arm, pulling the boxer-clad cadet towards the door.

"Oh yay," the General deadpanned, "We get to celebrate the decapitation of a saint."

"With pancakes," Zack nodded as he pulled Cloud out of the room.

Dragging the blond into the kitchen, the SOLDIER deposited him in a chair at the counter before grabbing a plate and dumping a pancake on it. Spinning around to face Cloud once again, the brunet groaned in frustration. The blond had lain his head down on the counter and seemed to have fallen back asleep. Setting the plate back down, Zack grabbed the dishtowl from the sink and raised it to strike before pausing, a smirk spreading across his face. Setting the dishtowl on the counter in front of Cloud and grabbing a bottle of syrup, Zack moved silently behind Cloud. Raising the bottle, the SOLDIER drizzled the thick liquid over the blonde's back.

"What the hell Zack?" Cloud mumbled against the counter.

"I dunno," the brunet smirked, "But I think I should clean that up." Before Cloud could react, Zack leaned forward and ran his tongue along the drizzle of syrup. With a loud squeak the blond shot up into a sitting position, smacking Zack in the face with his back. "Ow," the SOLDIER groaned.

"Your own fault," a voice muttered from behind the pair.

"Shut up Seph," Zack groaned as he rubbed his forehead, "I thought you were going back to sleep."

"Once I'm up, I'm up," Sephiroth growled as he prowled into the kitchen, stopping once he came up to the plate full of pancakes, "Zack…please tell me that wasn't on purpose."

"What did he do?" Cloud muttered as he tried to rub the syrup off his back with the discarded dishtowl.

Sephiroth didn't answer, simply picking up the plate and showing the blond. The pancakes consisted of two conjoined circles and a long, almost cylindrical line coming out of them. "I made penis pancakes!" Zack said happily.

"Oh gods," Cloud groaned, "Well…pass me a plate, I'm hungry."

XxXxXxXxXx

_Me: I'm so sorry this was late; I sprained my wrist pretty bad and couldn't type for like a week and a half. Plus, I got buried under a mountain of homework while simultaniously trying to work on my own personal website and then my Microsoft Word went all screwy on me. The spell check just stopped working for some reason, I have no idea why and there's not much I can do about it._


	20. St Patrick's Day

_Me: Well it's finally here, the last planned chapter. It's been a year of complete stupidity, missed holidays, late holidays, and general silliness. I'm happy people followed me in my weird little endeavor and thank every single person who alerted, favorited, and reviewed. It really means the world to me. This is my most viewed story and that means a lot to me. I'll be doing a bonus chapter of St. Patricks Day called Holiday Revelry and will be a Seph/Zack/Cloud threesome smut fic and posted seperately. I'm getting seriously nastolgic about this chapter, even though there's no real reason._

_Disclaimer:__ I have my memories,that's enough._

_Warning:__ Alcohol, pinching, copious amounts of green, snakes, Leah makes a comeback, and stupid Zack._

_Not betaed because if I had sent it off it would have been way late.  
_

XxXxXxXx

Sephiroth's eye twitched slightly as he stood in the doorway to his office, emerald eyes taking in the destruction of his sanctuary. He knew who was to blame, he knew that retaliation must be swift and brutal, but he was frozen. His office, his perfectly orderly office, was covered in green tissue paper hearts, stars, four leaf clovers, hats, and something that looks suspiciously like a beer bottle. On top of the tissue paper, covering almost every surface was green glitter. It was ground into the carpet, scattered over the desk and chairs, covering the walls, and even on the ceiling. Across the back wall of the office a banner hung, glittering green words blaring across it, "HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY BIATCH!"

"It's really amazing isn't it?" Leah giggled from her desk, "Took Zack about two hours to do."

"YOU LEFT ZACK ALONE IN MY OFFICE FOR TWO HOURS??!!!" Sephiroth screeched, whipping around to glare at his secretary and wincing as a bright light flashed in his face.

"Well duh," Leah said as she lowered her camera, "What did you honestly expect me to do?"

"I have no idea why I have not fired you," the General growled as he glanced back at his far too green office.

"Because I have blackmail," the small woman said in a sing song voice.

"You should have been a Turk."

"Yeah right, that's for life and the benefits suck," Leah waved a hand dismissively, "Retirement by death? Hell no!"

"I still hate you," Sephiroth muttered.

"I know snookums," Leah blew a raspberry at the General.

Rolling his eyes slightly, the silver haired male tried to take in the disaster zone that was his office once again. "I can't work in that," he sighed, "I'm taking the day off. If anyone asks where I am, tell them to go fuck themselves, but make it a little more vulgar."

"Ooh," the brunette secretary's eyes lit up, "I have direct permission to be as rude as I want. I love you so much!"

"And yet you torment me by allowing Zack into my office when I'm not here."

"You only hurt the ones you love…or something. I can't remember how that phrase goes."

"I believe it is I will kill you in your sleep, just you wait," the silver haired man leveled Leah with a hard glare.

"You say that, but I know you mean you love me too," the brunet smiled sweetly.

"Keep telling yourself that," Sephiroth muttered as he turned and left, marching through the festively green halls with the air of a wet and thoroughly pissed off cat.

Deciding to head to the training rooms to blow off some steam, the General ignored the way other Shinra employees practically fled his approach. What he did notice was that all the Turks had identical smirks on their faces when they saw him. That was never a good sign, but there wasn't much he could do about it besides wait for the shit to hit the fan. Sephiroth had nearly made it to the training room when a loud shriek echoed through the hallway. Sighing heavily, the silver haired male weighed his options. He could just ignore it, but then he'd have to explain why he didn't look into the disturbance when he was present. Grumbling under his breath, the SOLDIER detoured from his set course and headed towards the continuing screams.

Opening a door, Sephiroth paused to take in the scene in front of him. The door he had opened was to a meeting room, but the room had clearly been tampered with. For one thing it was not Shinra regulations to cover the floor with snakes. The SOLDIER didn't even bother to unsheathe his sword, he had spent enough time in the field to identify the non-poisonous garder snakes at a glance. He couldn't help the amused noise that escaped him when he looked at Scarlet, Rufus, and Lazard perched on top of the conference table, Scarlet screaming her head off. Angeal was seated at the table, flipping through a folder with disinterest and occasionally flicking a snake off his leg. Behind the raven haired SOLDIER, Genesis was draping some of the brighter colored snakes around his neck affectionately. Tseng was moving through the room, dutifully picking up snakes and depositing them in a waste basket he had grabbed.

"You know," Genesis said suddenly, "I really like snakes."

"Good for you," Sephiroth muttered, turning to leave.

"GENERAL!!!" Scarlet screamed, "GET RID OF THESE SNAKES!!!"

"Tseng seems to have it covered," the silver haired man shrugged slightly, ignoring the glare that was directed at him by the Turk.

"I think I'm going to go get a python," Genesis said thoughtfully, "And have Hojo alter it so I can command it like a dog."

The entire room froze and watched the redheaded SOLDIER wander out of the room, his hand idly stroking the snake around his neck. "Well on that slightly terrifying note," Sephiroth said, "I'm going to leave you in Tseng's very capable hands."

"Just you wait," Tseng muttered, "You'll wake up with pink hair one of these days, mark my words."

"I'll believe it when I see it," Sephiroth shot back as he turned on his heel and continued toward the training rooms.

Doing his best to ignore the smirking Turks he encountered, Sephiroth made it to the training room with little trouble. Typing in his access code, the SOLDIER waited for the door to open for him. There was an unusual delay, but finally the machines in the wall buzzed and the door slid open. Sitting in the middle of the floor was Cloud, his blond spikes dyed bright green and a dazed expression on his face. Standing beside him was a slightly swaying Zack, his violet eyes unfocused, green glitter adorning his face, and a beer bottle in one hand.

"SEPHY!!" Cloud yelled, raising his arms up in greeting and falling forward onto his face, "Ow…"

"Hey Seph," Zack said, weaving as he started to walk towards the silver haired male.

"Are you both drunk?" the General asked incredulously.

"Guilty as charged," Cloud muttered into the floor, his face still pressed against the floor.

"Hey Seph," Zack said, looking the silver haired male up and down as he came to stand next to him, "You're not wearing green."

"Of course not," the older male scoffed, "Cloud, how much have you had? Do I need to take you to get detoxed like last ye-eeehh!!"

Sephiroth swung around to face the brunet, his hair swirling around him dramatically as he cut off the squeal that had burst from his lips. "You're not wearing green," Zack said innocently, his fingers still clamped onto the silver haired General's ass.

"You…you pinched me!" Sephiroth stammered.

"Well duh," Cloud groaned, finally bringing his face up from the ground, "You're not wearing green. You's gonna get pinched biatch."

"There are times when I wonder why I put up with either of you," Sephiroth muttered,

"It's because you love us," Zack sang happily as he pulled a marker out of his back pocket. Uncapping the sharpie with his teeth, the SOLDIER quickly brought it up and drew a heart on Sephiroth's chest. "There!" he declared, "Now you have green and no one else will pinch your pert little bottom."

Sighing heavily, Sephiroth put the brunet in a head lock and marched him over to the heavily intoxicated cadet. Grabbing Cloud by the scruff of the neck, the General dragged both males out of the room and headed back towards their apartment to sober them up.

XxXxXxXxXx

_Me: It's finished. Look out for Holiday Revelry and thank you for reading the entire story._


	21. APRIL FOOLS!

**EDIT**

**I forgot to put this in because I wrote this chapter before it happened. Someone feels the need to report this story as stolen/plagiarized on every site I post on, leading mods in a circle of links to my other accounts. I did not steal this, I fucking wrote it. I do not appreciate whoever is reporting this as plagiarized as I would never do that. Because this is happening I would like to officially say that I am kellegirl here and on my personal site, kelle611 on Y!Gallery and Deviant Art, and narryaworry on livejournal. All are me, I am them all. If you have a problem with me and are just messing with me then confront me. The way you are linking mods in a circular chase the writer leads me to believe you are just pissed at me personally. Stop it and just freaking talk to me, don't do this, it risks me being banned on the sites I'm a member at and I don't appreciate it.**

**End Edit.  
**

_APRIL FOOLS!! I wasn't done. –Cackles- Yeah, sucky prank, I know, but I suck at pranks. Though this is the last chapter of Holiday Surprises for sure, I really don't have it in me to continue on with this. Holiday Revelry is in the works, should be up in about a week. After this, I'm going to be starting a series using the horoscope signs. That will probably be in the crossover section. The pranks described in this chapter are with the help of the lovely people over on Y!Gallery, though I have made some changes to a few of them._

_Disclaimer:__ Final Fantasy VII belongs to God. I am not God. At least I don't think I am…wouldn't that be ironic if I was?_

_Warning:__ Sephiroth abuse._

_Music:__ I wrote this to Manic by Plumb. Don't know why, but it got the creative juices flowing for the first time in weeks._

XxXxXxXx

Sephiroth woke to the sound of snickering, the soft noise floating into his bedroom from down the hall. Just as he opened his eyes a door slammed shut and the snickering halted, signaling whoever had been making the noise had departed. Glancing at the clock the General groaned, only four in the morning. Figuring he might as well get something out of his early awakening, Sephiroth turned to snuggle up to Cloud only to find the blond missing. A quick glance at his other side showed Zack was gone as well. Sighing heavily he pulled himself out of bed, knowing full well he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep after being woken up. Dressing quickly, the silver haired man left his room, rubbing a hand through his thick locks as he stumbled down the hall. Entering his living room, Sephiroth froze.

Cloud was sitting on the love seat in only his boxers, except it didn't seem as if he really wanted to be there. The furious glare and plastic wrap securing him to the chair as well as the ball gag in his mouth seemed to be pretty obvious indicators of that. Sephiroth honestly considered pretending that he was sleep walking and abandoning the blond until he was ready to deal with what Zack had obviously done, but the narrowed sapphire eyes looking in his direction told him he wouldn't be able to get away with it. Sighing heavily, the General walked up to Cloud and pulled the gag out of his mouth.

"How did Zack do this?" the silver haired male asked, forcing his voice to remain neutral.

"I woke up like this," Cloud snapped, struggling slightly against the plastic surrounding him, "He just started giggling at me then left. Said something about your office and if you go to save your precious office before getting me out, so help me Gaia, I will make you pay!"

Sephiroth barely managed to disguise the twitch his body had made to head out the door as the beginning of a motion to unwrap Cloud. "I would never do that," he said dismissively, his fingers moving along the plastic wrap, attempting to feel the edge.

"Riiiight," the blond sounded less than convinced.

Ignoring the smaller male, the General frowned at the plastic securing the blond. It looked like Zack had managed to get it around Cloud at least a dozen times, probably more given the thickness. "I'm going to have to cut through this," Sephiroth said as he held out a hand and summoned Masamune.

"Whoa!" Cloud jumped slightly, "Not with that!"

"I doubt any of the kitchen knives would be sharp enough without risking injuring you."

The blond chewed on his lip for a moment before nodding his consent, closing his eyes so he didn't have to watch the blade approach his body. Sephiroth made quick work of the plastic wrap, moving with years of experience to remove it without even grazing Cloud's skin. Stepping back, the silver haired male watched the plastic fall away, chuckling slightly when the blond didn't open his eyes or move.

"You know you're free now, right?" Sephiroth said, his lip quirking at the hesitant way Cloud opened one eye and moving his hands cautiously over his now free body.

"Oh shut up," the blond muttered.

"I didn't say anything," the General said loftily, moving away from the cadet into the kitchen.

"I didn't say anything," Cloud imitated under his breath.

"I heard that."

"No you didn't, it was your mind, you're still asleep."

"Gaia I wish I was," Sephiroth groaned as he flicked the switch on the coffee pot. Sparks shot out of the device, forcing the General to jump back in surprise.

"Zack was doing stuff in the kitchen before he left," Cloud called.

"Great," Sephiroth groaned as he unplugged the still sparking coffee maker, "Now I can't trust anything in here." Running a hand through his hair irritably, the General looked over at Cloud. The blond had stood up and was stretching slightly, his boxers slipping down his hips ever so slightly. While instinct told Sephiroth to take advantage of that, his pride came to the fore. "Get dressed, we're going Puppy hunting."

"Eh?" Cloud cocked his head to the side slightly.

"I will not tolerate Zack's antics today, I'm still pissed about what he did to my office on St. Patrick 's Day," Sephiroth explained, "We're going to get him back for once."

"Wait…you, General Sephiroth, are going to get Zack back?" the blond was openly gaping at the older man.

"Yes, I'm going to get Zack back."

"Mr. Straight and Narrow?" Cloud's obvious disbelief was starting to annoy Sephiroth, "Mr. I have never done anything against the book? You are going to-"

"Yes!" the General snapped, "I am going to go after Zack and prank his insubordinate ass into submission. And you are going to help me."

"…we're all going to die," Cloud muttered.

"I am thrilled with your confidence in me," Sephiroth dead panned.

Sapphire eyes watched him for a moment before Cloud turned on his heel and snatched the phone off the table. Not bothering to answer the questioning arch of Sephiroth's eyebrow, the blond dialed and waited for an answer. "If the President is not on fire I will destroy you," a voice croaked on the other end.

"We're pranking Zack," the cadet said simply.

"I'll be there in five minutes! Don't start without me!"

The line went dead and Cloud turned back to a curious looking Sephiroth. "Reno will be here to help in a couple minutes, I'm going to go get dressed before he shows up."

The silver haired male just waved a hand dismissively, turning back to the kitchen and cautiously moving through it in an attempt to find something that could not have been tampered with. By the time Cloud had returned in his uniform, Sephiroth had managed to find some protein bars hidden in the back of one of the cupboards. Tossing one of the stale bars at the blond cadet, the General continued to munch on his. Cloud had just managed to get his teeth through his own slightly rubbery bar when someone began pounding on the front door. Abandoning the inedible protein bar, the blond went to answer before Reno broke the door down.

"We're here!" Genesis yelled, pushing his way into the apartment as soon as the door was opened.

Reno quickly followed after him, a grumpy Angeal in tow. "Where'd you all come from?" Sephiroth asked.

"Reno stopped by my apartment on his way here," Genesis said happily, "And Angeal was with me already, so he overheard Reno explaining what's going on with Zack and instead of letting him warn the Puppy I brought him with!"

"You are far too happy for so early in the morning," Cloud muttered.

"It's not everyday that I get the chance to get that little shit back for putting itching powder in all my underwear," the First Class SOLDIER scowled, "I thought I had crabs! Do you have any idea how mortifying it is to have Hojo inspect your pubes?!"

"…" resounding silence met Genesis' statement.

"Well it's bad," he muttered, crossing his arms and looking away.

"Alright….what's the game plan yo?" Reno asked.

"I was thinking we glue the furniture in his office to the ceiling, paint his motorcycle bright pink, put bleach in his shampoo, and use the itching powder against him," Sephiroth said, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I have some tranquilizers that I stole from Hojo's lab," Reno said, pointedly ignoring the stares his statement received, "If we can shoot Zack in the ass with it then we can shave his head. He'd notice the bleach in the shampoo, why not just eliminate the need?"

"I like the way you think," Genesis grinned, "Marry me, we'll have beautiful, evil babies together."

"Anytime yo," the Turk winked at the other redhead.

"I'm going to sleep in your guest bedroom," Angeal grumbled, "It's my day off and I do not intend to spend it helping you lot get revenge."

"You know Zack engraved a little Hello Kitty on your Buster Sword?" Cloud said casually.

"WHAT?!" Angeal ripped the large weapon off his back and immediately began looking it over. His body went rigid when he found the small dancing cat. "Puppy is going to be neutered."

X_x_X_x

Zack skipped down the hall, happy in the knowledge that all his traps were set. Sure, there was going to be some back lash, but it would be worth it considering the hidden cameras waiting to film the mayhem. Heading to his little used office, the brunet grinned broadly as he passed Sephiroth. The General was reading a report and didn't look up as the SOLDIER moved past him. It was probably for the best, Sephiroth could always tell when he was up to something just from looking at him. Pushing open the door to his office, Zack screeched. A cold bucket of water had dumped onto his head, drenching him in the process. Standing stark still for a moment, the brunet whimpered and opened the eyes he had closed when the freezing liquid washed over him.

Violet eyes widened in shock when he saw all his furniture gone. "Wha…what?" he looked around frantically, moving into the room as if his desk would suddenly reappear. Standing in the middle of the room, Zack flinched when a pen smacked his head. Looking up, the brunet found his desk, chairs, and file cabinet. Someone had managed to glue it all to the ceiling in a perfect recreation of his office layout. "What the fuck?" he murmured.

Slowly backing out of his office slowly, Zack bumped into the SOLDIER First Class secretary. "I'm sorry Mr. Fair," the small strawberry blond murmured.

"No problem Sparkles!" the brunet chirped.

Scowling heavily, the secretary clutched the files in his arms to his chest. "My name is Christophe," he snipped, "Not Sparkles."

"But you wear glitter all the time."

"You throw it on me!" Christophe seethed.

"It looks good on you," Zack blinked innocently.

Narrowing pale green eyes at the SOLDIER the secretary growled out, "There's something wrong with your bike."

"NOT WOLFY!" Zack screamed and dashed off down the hall.

Zack skidded into the elevator door, smashing into it with more force than he meant. Groaning in pain, the brunet pushed the down button and waited. Finally the elevator arrived, opening to reveal Cloud. "I will get you back," the blond muttered as he passed the SOLDIER, "Just wait."

"Oh come on," Zack said as he entered the elevator and began slamming his finger into button, "It wasn't that bad!"

"Still going to make you pay," Cloud said as he marched off down the hall.

X_x_X_x

"How's it going?" Cloud said as he entered the security room, glancing at the wall lined with monitors.

"We just stopped the elevator he's in," Genesis snickered, "He's having a seizure."

"Seriously?" the blond asked moving so he could see the monitor with the security feed of the elevators.

Zack was twitching as he paced around the small, confined space, occasionally slamming his fists against the door. "I think he's gonna lose it yo," Reno giggled, bouncing in his seat.

"Is the release mechanism installed or did we not have an opportunity to put that in?" Sephiroth asked lightly, leaning against the wall across from the group.

"I put it in," Angeal said, pulling a small remote out of his pocket, "We'll see if it works."

Angeal pressed the button and the group gazed at the monitor. Inside the elevator Zack paused as photos rained down on his head. A shriek sounded as the brunet looked at the images of his bright pink bike.

X_x_X_x

Zack curled into a ball in the corner of the elevator, rocking back and forth as he stared at the pictures of his precious motorcycle. He couldn't believe anyone would defile Wolfy like that, but it was clearly his own bike. The entire thing had been spray painted pink before someone added lighter pink flowers and electric pink swirls all over it. One of the pictures caught his eye and he looked over at it. Perched on top of his bike was a small Hello Kitty figure.

"ANGEAL YOU BASTARD!" the brunet screeched.

X_x_X_x

"Looks like it's time for phase two of the elevator," Angeal smirked.

"Ooh, ooh," Genesis jumped up and down, "Let me!"

The brunet tossed the remote over to his friend before looking back at the screen. Genesis pressed a second button on the remote and the group watched as white powder was dumped into the compartment. Zack screamed batting at the itching powder in a weak attempt to defend himself.

Reno smirked broadly before raising a walkie talkie to his mouth. "Red Fox calling Alpha Team. Come in Alpha Team," he said into the device.

"Alpha team reporting in," a female voice responded.

"Initiating Puppy drop, stand at ready for acquisition," the redhead said.

"Alpha team awaiting Puppy drop, over and out."

Reno typed a code into the computer in front of him and the group watched as the elevator began its descent. Zack was going insane inside the cabinet, scratching his entire body in a desperate attempt to relieve the itching. When the elevator door opened the brunet stumbled out and Reno immediately pointed at a second monitor so the group could watch the SOLDIER's progress. Zack moved through the underground garage cautiously, his eyes darting around desperately as he made his way towards where he always parked his bike. His caution vanished when he saw that his bike was in fact bright pink. The group snickered as he ran up to it, a small cheer going up when they saw the dart shoot into his butt. Zack flailed around for a moment before dropping like a rock.

"This is Alpha Team," the female voice sounded from the walkie talkie as Elena stepped out of the shadows, "Puppy is down." She kicked Zack lightly before looking up at the security camera. "Puppy is really down. Initiating operation flea bath."

X_x_X_x

Zack groaned loudly as he came to. Looking around he found that he was still next to his bike, his bike was still pink, and that he still itched. Sighing heavily he went to run a hand through his hair, only to find he was in fact bald.

"You know," a voice said casually, forcing Zack to look up, "It was only a matter of time."

"Fuck you Seph! I never did anything like this to you!"

"Yeah you did," Cloud said smugly, standing behind the silver haired male, "And you put pictures of it up online. It seriously was just a matter of time."

XxXxXxXx

_Okay, really done now. You have no idea how hard that was for me to write, I hate pranks with such a passion you can not even begin to fathom it, plus I could not spell to save my life. I view pranks as nothing more than a disguised form of bullying and with my history, I despise every bully on the planet. If you don't get a reply for a review right away, it's most likely because I'm at an Anime Convention the weekend after I post this. You should be glad my little prank was not telling anyone about this chapter, I almost went with a fake chapter of Therapy. Oh well, see ya people! –Waves and skips off-_


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